Monday, February 20, 2012
Today 2/20
So today me and ray started this cleanse. It lasted 4 hours. The shake I had to drink was beyond disgusting.i was supposed to snack on cucumbers (which i hate). Instead I ate two burger bites with no bun with a tad of ranch on it. Then I ate a chicken salad with tortilla strips, mix cheese, bacon, and avocado ranch. I came home feeling defeated by food. I then shared my daughters box of chocolates with them. Today will not be a total bust if I can do good at dinner. I have my workouts set out but tonight is a homework night and a rest day. I am hoping tomorrow is better. We also took our weight, measurements, and before pictures this morning. Hopefully in 30 days we will have some noticeable changes.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
It takes one second
It takes one second. One second to make a choice that could change your life. The choice you make does not just challenge you, but it challenges everyone around you to accept the choice you have made. This is true in EVERY aspect of your life. From the time I get up to the time I rest my head its a constant. The trouble with this is the being unsure.
A very short time ago I made a decision in my marriage. It was hard. I knew if I stayed and dealt with the troubles I had always dealt with that I would eventually be broken down. What kind of mom could I possibly be if everyday my kids saw their mommy dealing with the constant bull shit that had been feed to her. I needed to be strong when I was dying inside. Separation is a huge word. It means the life as a married couple is spliting. Kids, bills, furniture....everything. I was not ready for the kind of separation but I knew for things to get better I had to step back. I was so lucky that me even saying that is what I wanted immediately started to change my life. I was sooooo lucky to have a few VERY supportive friends and family that rallied behind me. Many nights talking, I changed my mind every single day what I really wanted. I have all ready mentioned that I am an emotional eater so you can only imagine the havoc I created on my body. This weekend Me and R attended Marriage On The Rock. It was amazing. Every word at this seminar spoke to us. We held hands, got lost, laughed, kissed, experienced a completely new place, and had some alone time that we had so very much needed. I bought some jeans, we ate at new places, and I got to jump on the bed like a little kid. Friday night was the end of that nasty little S word (separation). Being focused on restoring my marriage has been fun.
Now its time to restore my body. Every choice I make is important. Its valentines day so the candy I have consumed has been astronomical. Tomorrow is a new day. I am praying for a balanced and productive day.
A very short time ago I made a decision in my marriage. It was hard. I knew if I stayed and dealt with the troubles I had always dealt with that I would eventually be broken down. What kind of mom could I possibly be if everyday my kids saw their mommy dealing with the constant bull shit that had been feed to her. I needed to be strong when I was dying inside. Separation is a huge word. It means the life as a married couple is spliting. Kids, bills, furniture....everything. I was not ready for the kind of separation but I knew for things to get better I had to step back. I was so lucky that me even saying that is what I wanted immediately started to change my life. I was sooooo lucky to have a few VERY supportive friends and family that rallied behind me. Many nights talking, I changed my mind every single day what I really wanted. I have all ready mentioned that I am an emotional eater so you can only imagine the havoc I created on my body. This weekend Me and R attended Marriage On The Rock. It was amazing. Every word at this seminar spoke to us. We held hands, got lost, laughed, kissed, experienced a completely new place, and had some alone time that we had so very much needed. I bought some jeans, we ate at new places, and I got to jump on the bed like a little kid. Friday night was the end of that nasty little S word (separation). Being focused on restoring my marriage has been fun.
Now its time to restore my body. Every choice I make is important. Its valentines day so the candy I have consumed has been astronomical. Tomorrow is a new day. I am praying for a balanced and productive day.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Out of anger
I am totally writing this because I am soooo mad at myself. Let me start at the beginning. I am going through some marital issues and have decided I am taking this time to figure me out. In that process I find myself waiting by the phone for a text, not sleeping, eating a lot then not eating, and drinking a lot. The amount I drank last night could have knocked a grown man out but let me give you an idea. 2 double patron, 1 single patron, jäger bomb, tall beer, presidente, el niño, and two other fruit drinks. I could barely speak. I hate myself for doing that. I know better. This is not even close To the person I want to be. Why am I doing this. I am tired of waiting by my phone...that's not living life. I had plans...no way I am going to be all talk. The drinking HAS to stop I don't have an option if I want to get where I want mentally and physically. I am ready to kill it in the gym I just need or want something to look forward to as motivation. So tonight I am going to find that motivation. Out with the old in with the new.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Self Discovery and falling in love everyday (my 100th post)
These past few weeks have been crazy. I CRUSHED my weight goal this past weekend. In case you forgot my goal was 145...I now weigh 143.8. I feel great. In honor of my new accomplishment I went and had some blonde put in my hair. I feel amazing, sexy, happy, and those don't even begin to cover it.
So these past few weeks I have been a totally bad girl doing things I NEVER do. I had a girls night that was fabulous until it reached 2 AM and my husband was frantic. I have been drinking a lot, not sleeping, and forgetting to eat. I have reached a time in my life where it's time to grow up and change the things I have been complaining about for years. I need to quit blaming my husband, dad, mom, or whatever for all the things wrong in my life.
I discovered I really like Texas country. Who would have thought? I have been spoon feed bands like Alice in Chains and Nirvana and honestly while some of their songs are great I don't like them at all. I just liked them because my husband liked them. I have discovered that I am sooo much stronger and more determined then I ever thought I was. I have settled for so long. I always did what everyone else thought I should do, or I pleased...Like my hair for example. I always ask everyones opinions on my hair. But friday I took lead and surprised several people by just doing what I wanted. It totally paid off and I met some awesome people making it happen.
In case some of you dont know me or follow here's some back ground. I met my husband when I was 15. I was so into him. everything he did I wanted to be into. I guess you could say I altered myself to fit him. When we broke up my heart was broke but I had the most wonderful friends that picked me up and helped me party it out in style. I came back to me. I sang really loud in the car (even though I am terrible at it), I met new people, dated new people, and had new experiences...for about a year. Then ray came back into my life. I wanted him. He was mine and I was not letting him go this time. We ended up getting married when I was 18. I choose that life. I didn't want to go to clubs, dancing, or whatever it was single people were doing. I wanted to cuddle on the couch and watch movies while drinking beer. ( I have discovered I really like wine and I love Lime in my Coors light). We had two kids and kind of lost that sense of adventure. I started working out, going back for my education, and decided this year was the year I was going to make my dreams happen. I am going to be the me that I always wanted to be. Lucky for me I have the most supportive family but a fantastic group of friends that encourage me every step of the way. If I did not have their amazing encouragement I would not be discovering the new me that I love so much. Happy can not begin to describe how I have felt these past few weeks.
I kind of started a new motto...if I enjoyed doing it when I was kid I am going to do it at 25. This includes but is not limited to...Playing tag, whispering secrets, hugging, making lame jokes, dancing in the middle of the street, spinning really fast until I fall down, laying in a field looking at the stars cuddled with the one that makes my heart skip a beat. I want to remember what it is like to fall in love everyday.
So here's the deal. The drinking thing is done. Occasionally girls nights and BBQ'S will require drinks (dont be sad BB and MB) so I will have to show some people how drinking is done but I want to start racing again which means a healthy diet and plenty of exercise. I am working on the falling in love everyday thing so I will keep you posted. Last night I got to dance to "my feet don't touch the ground" by stoney Larue (now one of my favorite songs). It was really sweet and made me laugh..awkward at first but who doesn't want to dance in a random place. I dont know what I am going to do to fall in love today but the sky is the limit.
So these past few weeks I have been a totally bad girl doing things I NEVER do. I had a girls night that was fabulous until it reached 2 AM and my husband was frantic. I have been drinking a lot, not sleeping, and forgetting to eat. I have reached a time in my life where it's time to grow up and change the things I have been complaining about for years. I need to quit blaming my husband, dad, mom, or whatever for all the things wrong in my life.
I discovered I really like Texas country. Who would have thought? I have been spoon feed bands like Alice in Chains and Nirvana and honestly while some of their songs are great I don't like them at all. I just liked them because my husband liked them. I have discovered that I am sooo much stronger and more determined then I ever thought I was. I have settled for so long. I always did what everyone else thought I should do, or I pleased...Like my hair for example. I always ask everyones opinions on my hair. But friday I took lead and surprised several people by just doing what I wanted. It totally paid off and I met some awesome people making it happen.
In case some of you dont know me or follow here's some back ground. I met my husband when I was 15. I was so into him. everything he did I wanted to be into. I guess you could say I altered myself to fit him. When we broke up my heart was broke but I had the most wonderful friends that picked me up and helped me party it out in style. I came back to me. I sang really loud in the car (even though I am terrible at it), I met new people, dated new people, and had new experiences...for about a year. Then ray came back into my life. I wanted him. He was mine and I was not letting him go this time. We ended up getting married when I was 18. I choose that life. I didn't want to go to clubs, dancing, or whatever it was single people were doing. I wanted to cuddle on the couch and watch movies while drinking beer. ( I have discovered I really like wine and I love Lime in my Coors light). We had two kids and kind of lost that sense of adventure. I started working out, going back for my education, and decided this year was the year I was going to make my dreams happen. I am going to be the me that I always wanted to be. Lucky for me I have the most supportive family but a fantastic group of friends that encourage me every step of the way. If I did not have their amazing encouragement I would not be discovering the new me that I love so much. Happy can not begin to describe how I have felt these past few weeks.
I kind of started a new motto...if I enjoyed doing it when I was kid I am going to do it at 25. This includes but is not limited to...Playing tag, whispering secrets, hugging, making lame jokes, dancing in the middle of the street, spinning really fast until I fall down, laying in a field looking at the stars cuddled with the one that makes my heart skip a beat. I want to remember what it is like to fall in love everyday.
So here's the deal. The drinking thing is done. Occasionally girls nights and BBQ'S will require drinks (dont be sad BB and MB) so I will have to show some people how drinking is done but I want to start racing again which means a healthy diet and plenty of exercise. I am working on the falling in love everyday thing so I will keep you posted. Last night I got to dance to "my feet don't touch the ground" by stoney Larue (now one of my favorite songs). It was really sweet and made me laugh..awkward at first but who doesn't want to dance in a random place. I dont know what I am going to do to fall in love today but the sky is the limit.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Now that I have listed my goals for everyone to read I want everyone to know my progress since the first.
I have been doing my bible study/verse finding and I am finding myself enlightened. My favorite so far is Psalm 5. Prayer for Guidance. On the first day of the year I went to church with my kids. R had to work and usually I use that as a way out but I made myself go because I wanted K and E to see how important it was. The next Sunday was K's birthday and this sunday I picked up a shift at work to make some extra money for my 2 days off.
We sold R's car today. It had so many repairs and miles that we didnt think we would get much more for it. It got our savings off the ground which is inspiring and makes me excited to go forward.
Today I also had a little break through with my control on our money. I gave ray money and said spend it how you please. I have to have faith that he can make good decisions and make money last. He is for sure one of those people that lets a money burn a whole through his pocket. I used to save 10% of all my tips and put them in plastic baggies when I reached 100.00 and put them in kylies dresser drawer. I was saving for maternity leave for emma so don't worry I dont have anyting like that now! Anyways I thought I had spent all the money until one day I was cleaning out all her newborn and 0-3 month stuff and discovered a couple of ziploc baggies with money in them! Moral of the story....today I let go of my money control issues and R was delighted...kinda freaked out but delighted nontheless.
I started walking with my SIL and that has been going great. I also have been taking kylie on walks on nice days. She loves working out with me. Today while I was doing crunchs she was yelling "Keep going mommy". Who needs more motivation then that? She can also do pushups, lunges, and squats...that is just the few that she does. I have seen her do a plank longer then me! My mileage for the year is off to a great start so I hope I can keep it up when school starts. So far though I am walking slowly to that body I have always wantedI
Speaking of school I went to the Surgical tech seminar and got signed up to take the entrance test. I got my books and study guides to so I am ready to rock and roll this semester. My entrance test is March 30th. I have started the leg work so it is only up from here!
Update on monday!!
I have been doing my bible study/verse finding and I am finding myself enlightened. My favorite so far is Psalm 5. Prayer for Guidance. On the first day of the year I went to church with my kids. R had to work and usually I use that as a way out but I made myself go because I wanted K and E to see how important it was. The next Sunday was K's birthday and this sunday I picked up a shift at work to make some extra money for my 2 days off.
We sold R's car today. It had so many repairs and miles that we didnt think we would get much more for it. It got our savings off the ground which is inspiring and makes me excited to go forward.
Today I also had a little break through with my control on our money. I gave ray money and said spend it how you please. I have to have faith that he can make good decisions and make money last. He is for sure one of those people that lets a money burn a whole through his pocket. I used to save 10% of all my tips and put them in plastic baggies when I reached 100.00 and put them in kylies dresser drawer. I was saving for maternity leave for emma so don't worry I dont have anyting like that now! Anyways I thought I had spent all the money until one day I was cleaning out all her newborn and 0-3 month stuff and discovered a couple of ziploc baggies with money in them! Moral of the story....today I let go of my money control issues and R was delighted...kinda freaked out but delighted nontheless.
I started walking with my SIL and that has been going great. I also have been taking kylie on walks on nice days. She loves working out with me. Today while I was doing crunchs she was yelling "Keep going mommy". Who needs more motivation then that? She can also do pushups, lunges, and squats...that is just the few that she does. I have seen her do a plank longer then me! My mileage for the year is off to a great start so I hope I can keep it up when school starts. So far though I am walking slowly to that body I have always wantedI
Speaking of school I went to the Surgical tech seminar and got signed up to take the entrance test. I got my books and study guides to so I am ready to rock and roll this semester. My entrance test is March 30th. I have started the leg work so it is only up from here!
Update on monday!!
2012 Goals
1. Be a better role model to K and E- this means in every aspect of my life including church, eating, exercise, and behavior. I want to lead my girls down the right path so when they face tough decisions they know where to turn and can believe in themselves.
2. Get the body I have always wanted- NO I am not talking about my boob job, or my eye surgery. I am talking good ole' fashion muscle with hard work.
3. Eat Healthier- This kind of falls with the role model goal but also for myself. I need to eat better. Pizza is the easy way out but when I actually put time into it I LOVE cooking for my family and I love the awesome things I can create.
4. Save, Save, and oh yeah...Save- I would like to have 10,000.00 saved by the time fall semester starts so I can focus on my school and not worry about money.
5.Try New things-I want to try a new healthy recipe and workout every week. I want to go outside of my box or comfort zone and get myself out there. I love adventures and it's time I start having some
6.Get my run on!-I want to start doing new races, push myself to break my personal records, and try and get my friends and family involved.
7.Inspire and Encourage- I want to inspire and encourage family, friends, and strangers. I am not trying to save the world or anything but I do have a story and if anything I have to offer can help someone else then I want to put that out there.
8.Learn to let go- I am a tad on the controling side when it comes to....well....everything. I get extremely overwhelmed and stressed to the point I have anxiety attacks if something does not go as I plan it. I seriously act like a litte brat throwing a tantrum sometimes. I need to learn to let go so my mind and soul can be free. Even if that means taking baby steps...at least they are steps.
9. Get into the Surgical Tech program-This is K and E's future. I want to focus on school and do what I need to do to provide for my family and get us set up to live the way we always wanted.
10. Make the bible apart of my life-I believe in god but often when I seek guidance and answers I run to my friends and not the source. I started finding a verse a day that mimicks what I am feeling or advice I am seeking.
11. Be HAPPY and THANKFUL-I focus so much on the negative or on other people I sometimes forget my own needs. I want to smile and laugh everyday. I dont want to forget to thank god for all my blessings every night either. I truely have a great life even though sometimes I would like to think I do not.
I am not pledging to lose 30 pounds or be someone else. I want to be the best version of me. That's why these are goals for me. They are very attainable.
Some things I would like to work on is my potty mouth, road rage, and being clutter free.
2. Get the body I have always wanted- NO I am not talking about my boob job, or my eye surgery. I am talking good ole' fashion muscle with hard work.
3. Eat Healthier- This kind of falls with the role model goal but also for myself. I need to eat better. Pizza is the easy way out but when I actually put time into it I LOVE cooking for my family and I love the awesome things I can create.
4. Save, Save, and oh yeah...Save- I would like to have 10,000.00 saved by the time fall semester starts so I can focus on my school and not worry about money.
5.Try New things-I want to try a new healthy recipe and workout every week. I want to go outside of my box or comfort zone and get myself out there. I love adventures and it's time I start having some
6.Get my run on!-I want to start doing new races, push myself to break my personal records, and try and get my friends and family involved.
7.Inspire and Encourage- I want to inspire and encourage family, friends, and strangers. I am not trying to save the world or anything but I do have a story and if anything I have to offer can help someone else then I want to put that out there.
8.Learn to let go- I am a tad on the controling side when it comes to....well....everything. I get extremely overwhelmed and stressed to the point I have anxiety attacks if something does not go as I plan it. I seriously act like a litte brat throwing a tantrum sometimes. I need to learn to let go so my mind and soul can be free. Even if that means taking baby steps...at least they are steps.
9. Get into the Surgical Tech program-This is K and E's future. I want to focus on school and do what I need to do to provide for my family and get us set up to live the way we always wanted.
10. Make the bible apart of my life-I believe in god but often when I seek guidance and answers I run to my friends and not the source. I started finding a verse a day that mimicks what I am feeling or advice I am seeking.
11. Be HAPPY and THANKFUL-I focus so much on the negative or on other people I sometimes forget my own needs. I want to smile and laugh everyday. I dont want to forget to thank god for all my blessings every night either. I truely have a great life even though sometimes I would like to think I do not.
I am not pledging to lose 30 pounds or be someone else. I want to be the best version of me. That's why these are goals for me. They are very attainable.
Some things I would like to work on is my potty mouth, road rage, and being clutter free.
Monday, December 12, 2011
If I have said it once I have said it 100 times....
So I did not weigh this morning. I tried to act like I forgot but we all know that I did not. I weighed Friday morning after sushi and mexican and I was at my lowest weight to date. However I had a family christmas this weekend and ate HORRIBLE. Actually horrible is probably an understatement.
I had started this plan called Jamie Eason 12 week trainer. I was super excited about it. Lifting weights 4 days a week was the easy part. The hard part was the clean eating and eating 6 times a day. I spent a whopping 170.00 on supplements, protein powder, and food. The food lasted me a whole 6 days. The sad thing was I LOVED it. I loved how it made me feel, how in control I was, I felt sexy and strong. I even noticed a spike in my sex drive. Minus the fact that work had been crazy bad and I was trying to reach my high money goal. I was stressed about christmas. I did not have the best christmas's as a child all though I like to think my parents really tried. I know I very seldom got things I really wanted and asked for so I decided that my kids would get the things they asked for and oh did they. My daughter K's list is complete minus the Dora kitchen because she all ready has a princess kitchen. E got a minnie mouse shopping cart which she absolutely loves (they opened a gift early at this weekends family christmas). K opened her princess scooter which she practically sleeps with. They also got a trampoline, E got a princess 6v ride on toy, and an aquadoodle. K got an Mermaid Salon with all the little add ons, skates with pads, and we got her a princess barbie house for her birthday. I just did not feel like that was enough for them to open. Seriously I have been thinking about this hardcore. Sitting here googling toysrus and target I realized that I wanted to do something that started new traditions, something that we could do together as a family that would encourage them to learn. So I am getting them mine and ray's favorite child hood books and movies. We have family nights and watch movies together so I bought lion King and am going to buy Kung fu panda 2 tomorrow. I would love to get beauty and the Beast as well. The books I am going to get are "If you give a mouse a cookie" and "The Very Hungry Catepillar" and whatever else pops up that reminds me of my childhood. Hopefully we can all sit down and read together.
Moving on to my diet and exercise. I ate really bad. I did not complete my 4 workouts. I am starting to train for a half marathon. I did eat great today considering what I have been eating. So I am just going to take this journey one day at a time for now...work harder every day to get my body where I want it.
Another tidbit of great news....E teeteed in the potty for the first time!! I was so proud. K is in the church drama and I got to see her play an angel which was double amazing!!
I am cherishing life right now.
I had started this plan called Jamie Eason 12 week trainer. I was super excited about it. Lifting weights 4 days a week was the easy part. The hard part was the clean eating and eating 6 times a day. I spent a whopping 170.00 on supplements, protein powder, and food. The food lasted me a whole 6 days. The sad thing was I LOVED it. I loved how it made me feel, how in control I was, I felt sexy and strong. I even noticed a spike in my sex drive. Minus the fact that work had been crazy bad and I was trying to reach my high money goal. I was stressed about christmas. I did not have the best christmas's as a child all though I like to think my parents really tried. I know I very seldom got things I really wanted and asked for so I decided that my kids would get the things they asked for and oh did they. My daughter K's list is complete minus the Dora kitchen because she all ready has a princess kitchen. E got a minnie mouse shopping cart which she absolutely loves (they opened a gift early at this weekends family christmas). K opened her princess scooter which she practically sleeps with. They also got a trampoline, E got a princess 6v ride on toy, and an aquadoodle. K got an Mermaid Salon with all the little add ons, skates with pads, and we got her a princess barbie house for her birthday. I just did not feel like that was enough for them to open. Seriously I have been thinking about this hardcore. Sitting here googling toysrus and target I realized that I wanted to do something that started new traditions, something that we could do together as a family that would encourage them to learn. So I am getting them mine and ray's favorite child hood books and movies. We have family nights and watch movies together so I bought lion King and am going to buy Kung fu panda 2 tomorrow. I would love to get beauty and the Beast as well. The books I am going to get are "If you give a mouse a cookie" and "The Very Hungry Catepillar" and whatever else pops up that reminds me of my childhood. Hopefully we can all sit down and read together.
Moving on to my diet and exercise. I ate really bad. I did not complete my 4 workouts. I am starting to train for a half marathon. I did eat great today considering what I have been eating. So I am just going to take this journey one day at a time for now...work harder every day to get my body where I want it.
Another tidbit of great news....E teeteed in the potty for the first time!! I was so proud. K is in the church drama and I got to see her play an angel which was double amazing!!
I am cherishing life right now.
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