Running into an ex...

I HATE running into an ex. I have been very lucky. I dont live in the town that any of my ex's live in. Most of my break-ups have gone great and we have remained friends that eventually lost touch. Some will know who I am talking about and some wont. The most important ex's in my life I have ran into in the last year. F was one that I dated off and on through high school while I off and on dated B. When I moved to valley view we lost touch for a really long time until he showed up at a VV party that all of my friends were at. He asked about me and they forked over my number. We started hanging out again but he had a crazy ex girlfriend that you could tell he was not exactly over. I didnt have time for that so I left him alone. A few years later we found each other again on myspace. We started chatting. I was married. I had an awesome friend S though that I set him up with and now they are happily married. I was actually in the wedding but afterwards we lost touch again. I am not sure why. When I run into them I feel awkward. I don't know what to say not that there is anything really to say anyways.

Then there is T. I dated him when me and ray were split. I needed some fun in my life. He was older not looking for anything and that was perfect for me. I guess he is not technically and ex but he was my FWB for a while...we partied together, shared secrets, and he listened to me while I cried about my loved lost. He was exactly what I needed when I needed it. I ran into him a while back at a salon. He thought I worked there and asked about a massage. I turned around and realized that it was T...I just stood there and acted like I didn't know him. I did not know what to do. After I was done playing stupid I found out that he now has a beautiful girl and is married now. I am so glad that he is doing well.

Then there was a stupid night at applebees...I always run into my ex's at applebees when I have been drinking all day. Long story short I was drinking at Lucky lou's. Saw girls flirting with my husband and was taking shots left and right. I am a jealous person. Not because I don't trust my husband but because I dont trust girls. Woman in nature will do what ever it takes to get what they want. We lie, cheat, steal, whatever we need to do. It's like being a mother. If someone is mean to my baby...let's just say I would make their life intolerable. Back to the story I was supposed to make short...We decided drinks were cheaper at applebees and moved the party. I am sitting down laughing my ass off when I see B. Again I am extremely drunk and still play like I am stupid and never saw him...or like I forgot him if that would even be possible. He was my entire middle school and partial high school life...whenever someone happened with me and whoever I was with I ran to him...we would work for a little while but in the end it always ended badly for me. He was the guy that cheated on you on your birthday and forgot it was your birthday (that actually happened)...When I left the bar I was like "oh hey there. Nice seeing you." with this awkward hand shake hug kinda thing. He is happily married I think with kids. I have not really spoken to him since I wished him a happy marriage.

It's never hard for me and I have to admit that I do wonder from time to time what has happened to my ex's. When I see old pictures or smell a random smell, sometimes a movie makes me think of them. I wish them all nothing but the best. Hopefully next time I run into one of them I will not act like a DA.

This will be a long one

So much going on in my mind and I just really need an outlet.

One of my greatest friends right now is going through something extremely terrible. A "boy" she put two years of her life into (who cheated and pushed her away) is now engaged to someone he has known for 6 months. The break up was really hard for her and this guy has balls enough to come into chili's and pick fights with her about her awesome new haircut. I was the same way only I was a teenager losing my high school love (which is my husband). I felt crushed from the inside out. I faked my way through conversations and acted like I was okay and moving on. I never moved on. I always had hope that one day we would be back together. When I saw him it crushed me. I would cry for days, binge drink and eat, escape away with my FWB...basically do anything unhealthy to numb the pain. Everything any guy had done to me before then had seemed meaningless. When she told me last night that she had found out he had gotten engaged I could not help but feel this guy should be hit by a BIG truck.

Of course before that I was throwing my own pity party because I had seriously lost all motivation for myself and had gotten completely stressed out about christmas. I know this time of year is coming EVERY single year and yet I never prepare. Anyone who knows me knows that I love to give and even more so to the ones that I love and care about. My mind out spends my budget though. Not to mention the people that are renting out house from what I gather have decided not to renew their lease and I am terrified that they are going to skip out on rent which makes me scared I will have to use our christmas money to pay the. I hate renting that house with a passion. I hate having to rely on strangers to do the right thing and pay rent. One day I know I will get screwed over. That is the nature of the renting beast. My kids asked for a few things for christmas this year and I want to make sure to get most of the things on the list. The list was 10 things. E is to young to make a list so K did..on there was

1. A trampoline
2. ariel salon with accesories
3. scooter with chalk
4. roller skates with pads
5.Princess Barbie house
6. Princess Dolls
7. Dress up
8. Makeup for her salon
9. Emma a 4 wheeler
10. Emma a shopping cart

we have gotten 2,8,9,10 and by black friday we will have gotten 1 and possibly the princess barbies. Some of these items will be saved for kylie's birthday which is just 2 weeks after christmas. SO MUCH STUFF AND NOT ENOUGH MONEY. So for the next 5 weeks we will be living on a strict budget so I can live debt free in January!

As for the working out...I lost faith and motivation in the process. I like to think I have a good support system at home but reality is...we all eat terrible and there are only two people in this house that have a high chance of workingout. I dont have a neighbor that says hey lets go for a run together. I wish my SIL was like that but she is really busy with her life and I get it. I can not rely on someone else to motivate me into doing the work. I have to want it. I forgot the whole reason I started this journey in the first place. It was for my kids. I wanted to be a good role model and show them that being active can always have positive results. I do not want them to ever have the weight issues I had growing up. So not that today is day one but I am choosing to step back from all the madness take a deep breath and start the day off right and positive.

So I am counting my calories. I took the girls on a mile walk...yes E and K walked an entire mile. I was so proud of them. Every bird chirping and leaf falling was pure bliss. We enjoyed the nature walk. This is what everyday should be like.

Well now that I am re-motivated, vented about my money/christmas issues, and vented over my distress for my friend I think I can live the rest of the day with a free mind.

Have a great day everyone!

It will be a great day

Apparently that 7 days I went with out working out was much needed!!

My weight this morning is..149.6!!

I dont even remember the last time I was this weight so I am more then excited. I lost 1.6 pounds over the week. Only 4.6 to go!

Am I kidding myself

My fingers gently caress the wrinkles in my forehead as tears stream down my cheeks into my palms, down my wrists and forearms, into the crease of my elbow, making it's final resting place my jeans. I am not talking. I am still. Trying to keep my husband from Hearing my sobs I try to breathe. Why do I perform this act of self sabotage EVERY time?

Just days ago I proclaimed this weeks butt kicking. I felt strong. Then I made excuses. I was tired, I worked late, or I got busy. 4 days...that's how long it has been since my last sweat. I can't make time for a 12 minute mile but I can eat two servings of eminems?? What the hell. Reality is I am stressing over money.

I am at that stage where I can buy new cloths. I can treat myself to new shoes or workout cloths. I have earned them. But honestly....the money is not there. I had to dip into my pimp cup for car repairs. I was up to 126.00...enough for a new outfit and 4.00 away from my running shoes. I was discouraged. I acted okay but really I was discouraged. That goal cup is my motivation. Every quarter or dollar in that cup I earned. I do also put 10% of my daily earnings in there as a little extra christmas money but I know that money will be spent on fun. No regrets, no bills, no gas money. Just good feelings.

Tonight laying in bed feeling sorry for myself I decided 4 days was enough pity party for me. Out of the 126 that belongs in that jar I replaced 106. Tomorrow I will put the other 20 and the other money I will earn.

Here's to making tomorrow a success!

Seriously

My blogger on my phone Messed up and i accidently deleted my previous post :/ sooo my weigh in was 151.2.... That is all

Kicking ASS and taking names...

So I am sorry in advance if I offend ANYONE by what I am going to say in this post. So I declare this post PG13 due to language.

I made this week my bitch. After hiking last weekend I hit a completely new high. I thought what I was doing was good enough. Turns out it was not good enough for ME. So I decided monday was the day to create my FRESH start.

Monday I stepped on that cold icy scale. I knew that it was going to be bad...are you kidding...I practically ate an onion and jalepeno stack ALONE. I look down real quick, and then up, then down, then up, and then decide I might as well accept the number. I then bow my head gently and looked at the number 153.6...3.6 gain from my huge goal of 150...oh well moving on. I took all of my measurements.

Weight: 153.6
Arm Left: 12.5
Arm Right: 12.5
Chest: 34
Waist: 28.4
Hips: 41 (can you tell I have had kids?)
Thigh Left and right: 21.5

I then took the Insanity fit test
Switch kicks: 68
Power Jacks: 35
Power knees: 60
Power jumps: 20
suicide jumps: 11
Pushup jacks: 20 (and they were really bad form)
Oblique climber thing: 27

I also made myself a "PIMP" goal cup. I put 10% of everything that we make in it. I also made a list of 10 things I could do to earn myself some extra money. An example is eating within my calories earns me .50cents. Losing 1 pound earns me 10.00. Doing a 5k earns me a 1.00. You get the point. Everything on the list totals 5.00 except the weight. So everyday I have the chance to make an impossible 5.00. At the end of the month I can use the money in my jar for anything I want, on ME. Soooo HELLO MOTIVATION.

SOOOO here is the weeks breakdown

MONDAY:
Weighed
took measurements
fit test day 1 insanity
ran 1 mile
cleaned bathroom
drank my 75 oz. of water
ate below my calorie range
and cooked a delicious healthy meal for dinner.

I keep saying I can do anything for 7 days
My song of the day was Paradise by Coldplay

TUESDAY:
did insanity
ate within my calories

WEDNESDAY:
1.09 miles ran

THURSDAY:
50 flights of stairs
5K

FRIDAY:
Ran 1.5 miles
did 30 min of wii
did a new nike workout (it was brutal and I did it in my front yard for all to see!)

SATURDAY:
I ran 1.25 miles (which through my nike gps over 100 miles!)

SUNDAY:

I took a much needed rest day. I could feel my calves just a BURNING

I did have really bad calorie days and those were Thursday and saturday. That being said I am hoping that my weigh in turns out okay tomorrow morning because I could really use 10.00 a pound! My goal is 3 pounds but we will see I guess.


ANYWAYS. That was my week in a nutshell. It's not a lot but it is for a sure a start for me. I feel like for the first time in a long time I am putting myself first. Instead of worrying about what everyone else is doing I am focusing on what I am doing about the things I want to change. I also am not expecting anyone to help me.

My goals this week are to try the ropes at the gym, use the row machine like I have somewhere to go, Run 10 miles this week (just a starter).

Hiking

Sooo our little "fit club" group had our first outing today. We decided our name is melt. When we got to turner falls Oklahoma we were so excited to hike. We started at the castle and took some funny pictures. Then we decided to hike the falls mountain. We got lost. Ran into a snake. Found the trail. Laughed our asses off. Overcame obstacles. Walked a few miles out of the way on a horse trail. Yelled from a mountain. At some food. Laughed some more. Turned around for a coyote head deep in a deer. Oh and got pulled over going 11 over and got a warning. None of those are in order. Basically it was a fantastic day with the ladies.

We then came up with a great idea that I hope pans out. We want to walk across Texas to raise money for St. Judes childrens hospital. We are going to make a mission statement and write a letter to Ellen or racheal ray or all of the above to raise money and awareness. And we have ideas to raise money on our own as well. It is still in the planning stage so like I said I hope it pans out.

Our next fun trip is to Amarillo to hike the united states second largest canyon. We thought about camping but we will see! It's so much fun planning and doing this kind of stuff. I really hope we can keep doing things like this!

Drowning

I feel like I am drowning. I am fighting hard, kicking, and screaming. My hands are grasping but I am being pushed. Rough evil hands wrapped around me ankles yanking me towards the bottom of these creepy swampy waters.

Life is hard right now. I have a good job that allows me to be with my family more but it never feels like enough. My car needs repairs, the husbands car needs repairs, I have to pay 45.00 to get a meningitis shot to even register for school, I have a 200.00 dentist bill and Christmas is right around the corner. I have to make cuts somewhere but being down to one vehicle has taken it's toll. I need to win the lottery but since I dont even play I need to figure out a different plan.

Weight loss....well I weighed even though I ate tons of candy and drank wine the night before. I only gained one pound. Monday started great and I worked out but the night ended terrible with trick or treating. Then today was awful...Chilis trays for breakfast, Mexican for dinner, and pop tarts for lunch. Is that not how I got fat to begin with?? So I am at a turning point....do I wallow in self pity or do I say I am not taking this crap anymore....the self pity thing is easy...I am usually a really strong person or at least I try to be but I am so tired of being pushed down, standing back up only to be pushed back down again.