love and cheating.

More often then not someone is complaining about a husband or boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever. I am totally guilty of this. The difference is I am in a marriage. I made vows. It makes me wonder why some of these girls put up with such jerks? He does not have to be your forever. You have a choice. I totally get it. You love this dude and he rocks your world and blah blah blah...but what if there is another dude or girl out there that compliments you perfectly? You don't know it because your wasting your time obsessing over someone who is not obsessing over you. I am not talking like a crazy stalker situation. I am talking about caring and loving someone so much that you wake up thinking about them and go to sleep thinking about them. That kind of love is when you want the best for the other person even when that means you are not in their lives anymore. It's hard to watch people want someone and that person not want them back in the way that they deserve. I am not saying anyone specific. It's just interesting to see how differently people work in relationships and how much they are willing to put themselves through for love and acceptance. I am again 100% guilty of this  myself. I think cheating is the number one thing that really really throws me. Someone may punch me but I feel like cheating is such a grey area. Everyone has their own version of cheating. You kissed her, you eye fucked him, you actually slept with him or her. What about the emotional part? I feel like emotional cheating would have to be the worst kind. You have a connection with that person that you have with no one else. You let that person into a place that not manner have been invited to see. It's not like a wham bam thank you ma'am kind of thing. There is an attachment. For me that would be extremely hard for me to overcome and to forget. Sometimes its about the electricity that you feel with another person and not so much the emotional. when you are even within in arms length you feel this urge to physically be with that person. That is also something that would be very hard for someone to forget. The ultimate though is when it's both electricity and emotional is something that even the strongest people are consumed by. There are so many different versions of cheating that it just depends on what your personal version is. My version personally is if its physical it is what it is...i would be extremely hurt if I found out my husband cheated but we are humans and electricity happens. I am not condoning my husband to cheat at all. The ultimate cheat for me though is emotional. If my hubs were to have an emotional connection with someone that he does not share with me...someone that I could never compete with emotionally...That would be the end of me. I don't know if that is a blow that I could take.

The whole point of any of this rambling is that you always have a choice. How much can one person accept? Are you willing to compromise what you want so you don't have to be lonely anymore?

I have this friend....I will call her Rebecca. Rebecca is totally in love with this guy that she can not have. She has compromised what she wants to become the person that he needs her to be. They compliment one another in a way that lasts forever. They make each other laugh and all though they are completely different they are alike in the ways that matter. She is at a total stand still. As a friend I want to tell her that it is never going to go further then what it is now. The things that she wants she can never have and all though he says all the right things to her...the i love you's will soon fade and all the sweet things he has said to her will be forgotten. She feels that he could easily be without her.  It would be easy for him to stop talking to her and never see her again. I am sure that it would be difficult for him but a part of me thinks she is right. I want to tell her so bad that all though it is hard she really needs to separate herself from him and let him move on so she can move on but I know how much pain it will cause her. I hate seeing her cry. it kills me. it makes me cry.

I seriously ask her why all the time. Why do this to yourself. She says "I would rather have him in my life the way he wants to be in my life, then to not have him in it at all". I don't know if that bravery or stupidity.

sorry for the rant....I just needed to vent.

This very moment.

At this very moment......I feel like it's time for a change. It's over due. Every time I write a post it is about a self revelation that I have come across. I am a thinker. A worrier. Laughs feel distant. The past year of my life has been crazy. I have made some of the greatest friends I will ever know. The hard part is knowing that there will be a time when those friends will move on for whatever reason. Since school has started I have separated myself from anything and everything that will distract me from the goal at hand. I know that comes at an expense. I know that when all is said and done there will be few left standing. I did everything by the hurricane system. I told everyone that my life was going to get crazy and there will be little time to focus on anything other then myself and family.

My biggest problem has been my heart. It seeks what it can not have. It seeks something that is on the outside looking in. My mind tries to cheat my heart out of what it deserves. Out of what I deserve. I wish that people would always say how they feel. do what the say and say what they mean. I have let some people get to close to my heart knowing that in the end.....the only thing that will be left standing is me and whats left of a heart. instead of enjoying the time I have with these people...I am preparing to lose them. It's like someone you love having three months to live. You know the end is coming. You want them to want you. You want them to wince when they think for a second you may not be around. I want to think that if I was not around that they would notice. Would they?

I am not where I wanted to be mentally, physically, and spiritually. I am consumed. I could easily blame someone else for this but in the end I have a choice. every minute I live and breath I have a choice. I was thinking the other day that I wanted to climb everest or do an ironman. what an awesome goal that would be. Before I am 30 I want to climb everest or the andes (to see machu picchu) (spelling sorry) or do an ironman. Why not? if someone from the biggest loser can do why can't I?? It all starts with a step. A willingness to change and be the person that you want to be. I always want to change. The problem has always been the follow through.

I was going to make some commitments to myself but lets start with homework.

Tonight I will stay up doing homework :)