Before I'm 30

These are just a few :)

When you lose yourself

Topic: Have you ever stopped being yourself to be the version of you someone else wants?

Think about it. When I was growing up I always wondered what I would look like. Would I be successful? Would I have kids? Would I have a fancy house and car?

I do have kids, does that count? Or do I have all of the above but I am to busy comparing myself to others?

When I turned 25 I found myself wondering where all my adventure and imagination went. I wanted to rediscover myself before I turned 30. This of course (initially) caused complications in my marriage and with my friends. I quit drinking and suddenly I was bitter. I didn't even know what type of music I liked. I didn't know how I wanted to dress or how I wanted to do my hair. I still hadn't found my calling in life and I wasn't sure where I would be standing at 30, but I can say I saw myself in a negative light. Now all of this didn't just happen. When you find the love of your life at 15 you tend to mold yourself to what your spouse needs and wants. I hadn't become my own person yet and that's okay buy when you realize that you don't feel like you have an identity you will go through some emotional phases. I was "Ray's wife" or "K and E's mom". I never rocked the bar or club scene because in my mind that's for single people and those looking to cheat. I never went out and had "girls nights". I was responsible. I was an adult or at least the version of what I thought an adult was.

What did I do?

I had girl's nights. I started traveling and challenging my body physically. I discovered that I absolutely don't like bars and my opinion stands firm (unless my hubs comes with me). I am also an old lady and I like to be in bed at a decent hour. I love Disney everything. I have discovered that I have a voice. I said goodbye to the friends that couldn't be around me when I was sober. I have never been happier in my marriage. I know that I love ALL music. My favorite music though always involves the violin.

Style? I have not found that yet. I have dyed my hair every color sold in a box and as of 6-ish months ago I am as close to my natural hair color as I can get. Have I mentioned that I have gray hair? Clothing wise, I am not yet comfortable with my body to wear the clothes I would love to wear. Flats and athletic shoes are my thing, but I would like to rock some heels every now and then.

I have 1 year and 3 months until the dirty 30. I want to do something BIG. I want to blow my own mind. Traveling is on my agenda.

First Goal: DROP 30/40 pounds
Second Goal: Have a "ME" makeover (no plastic surgery)
Third Goal: Travel as much as possible with my family.

I need a "before I am 30" bucket list I think.

That will be my next blog post :)

Do you know who you are? Are you happy with what you have become?

If not......CHANGE IT!!!!

Why do you do it?

I was asked a question today that truly startled me a bit.

"What have you learned and why do you even do it", said a girl in the most condescending tone. 

I could only laugh while looking at the girl and because I am trying to build my faith I will not comment on her appearance and obvious lack for her own health. 

I have learned more than I can ever convey in one solid post, but I will try. 

It started with the loss of my first "real" pregnancy. A child. A heart that was supposed to beat and didn't. No solid answer so it must have been me right? My weight had to be the issue..I was disgusted with my body. Little did I know that stretch marks and morbid obesity was in my near future. My initial goal was to lose weight and conceive a child. BAM....I child conceived...deep fear instilled. I know it's not scientifically possible to jiggle your unborn child out of you, but I just knew that I would if I did ANY sort of movement of the exercise nature. 80 pounds later a beautiful baby was born. 

Fast forward. I was 240 pounds and carrying a car seat. It winded me with every step. I had a mental breakdown outside of an old navy because I had to purchase the biggest pair of pants they sold and they only had them because an online order was returned. The thought of running or walking outside for people to see disgusted me. I could only think of my fat jiggling everywhere for everyone to point at and laugh at. My husband being a super sweet man bought me a treadmill for me to "start" my weight loss journey. Have I mentioned stretch marks? They were everywhere. I am pretty sure I have some between my toes.  Running, at home videos, lack of sleep, and breastfeeding got me down to a less flabby 160. 

I am guessing you know what happens next. If you are thinking that I peed on a stick and there were two pink lines... you would be correct. Number 2 was on its way. This time I was more active and tried to eat better. I only gained 45 pounds. 

fast forward. fast forward. fast forward. 

Two gorgeous girls. 2 half marathons. 1 triathlon. 87 (I am just guessing) 5k's and I was at 160 pounds again and wanting desperately to lose the "last 10 pounds". 

I have been through marriage issues, body issues, faith issues, food issues, and friend issues. 

This is what I have learned. 

You have to have control over yourself. You can't control Becky and Jesse (I may be watching full house) across the street. When starting your journey you have to get your mind right and make a decision. My decision was building the strength of my family and myself. I wanted to build my faith with my lord and savior. I wanted to show my girls what a strong woman looked like. I have battles everyday. Do you know how hard it is not to graze when you work at chili's? 

But the best tip of all........

Surround yourself with people that are going in the direction that you are going. If you want to be more Christ like, surround yourself with people that you admire in that aspect. Don't associate with people that make you feel less than amazing. I have had those friends that didn't influence me in a positive way. I have had friends that treated me like dirt. I have had friends that used me. 

I am so lucky to have the most amazing circle right now. My husband, family, kids, and friends are all extremely supportive of EVERY decision I make. 

The journey that I am on right now is one of self discovery. I am finding out what my purpose is in life and why god put me on this earth. I am also being the best mom, wife, and friend I can be.

Why do I do it? I want to inspire and help anyone and everyone that needs and wants it. I want people to know that there is someone else out there on this messy ride of life. I want people to know that it is okay to shake things up, find new friends, and discover one's self. 

I can't wait to share all of this current path that I am on. 

STAY TUNED!