It should be simple. I should be able to step outside and let the sunshine hit my lips. I should be able to dance in the rain. I should be able to go to sleep at night without a thought in the world. Life should be simple when it’s lived right, right? I know the answer is simple....HELL NO LIFE IS NOT EASY...but why? Today as I was crying in my car because I felt overwhelmed I realized that I was not letting my life be easy. I created expectations from my life and of people. I have made it almost impossible for myself to be truly happy. I always want what someone else has instead of what I have. I know I am not the only one in the world this has happened to and all though I am surrounded by people I can’t help but feel alone.
In all legitness I have isolated myself from everyone including my husband. I don’t want anyone to know what I am feeling inside because that makes me vulnerable. The truth....I am a hot flipping mess. A huge part of me wants another baby. I really want a boy. The other part of me is screaming "What the flip are you thinking?" We can’t afford another kid, 3 college tuitions, 3 weddings, 3 cars....just three kids in general we can’t afford. I also feel like I have my two miracles. I do not want either of my babies to feel neglected in any way or as if I didn't provide for them. I am also not a very good wife. I know this. My husband loves affection...he thrives on it...When I am mad he wants to hug and kiss. At night when all I want to do is relax...he is trying to cop a feel on his hot wife. I treat him sometimes like I don't want anything to do with him. I avoid him through my phone. I don’t want him to know or see all the insecurities I am hiding inside. I must say that I am trying to do better...I am not perfect but at least I am trying. My friends have a multitude of problems that I choose to insert myself in because I think it makes me a better friend. Seriously....are you thinking hot mess yet? Let’s continue.....I live with my in-laws (who are amazing) but sometimes it’s still really hard when all you want is a space of your own. My weight has shifted and I gained 7 pounds. I keep saying I am dedicated to losing it, but I choose to sleep in. I keep searching for outer beauty when I should be focused on improving myself as a person. I keep saying all these amazing things I want to do but have yet to apply myself to. I took a serious look at my years goals and I laughed and thought "over achiever"....I feel disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror no matter how good my friends and family say I look. I still see that girl that cried outside of old navy because she bought the biggest sized jeans they sold in store....There is so much more....the point of all this though is to not only get it off my chest but to publicly seek a resolution.
The reason I live with my in-laws is because we wanted to save money and buy land/build a house. I wanted to finish school. I wanted my children to be close with their family and for my mommy in law to not have to drive so far to watch my girls. I have not saved a dime. However; I was accepted into the surgical tech program which is huge for me. I also decided what I wanted to do with my future long term (and it will take a while so it is definitely long term). My daughters are really close with their family. They have an amazing time living in the country. I love that my daughters help grow gardens and can run from our house to their meme's anytime they want.
My TRUE friends all though flawed support me no matter what. Everyone has those friends that come and go but I can say I have actual true friends. My best friend comes to be with me at the drop of a tear. I would do anything for her and she would do anything for me. I know we will grow old being best friends. The greatest part is that our daughters are friends. I also have another friend that has encouraged my education, my health, my happiness, my marriage. This person has helped me in ways that I didn't know I needed help. God put this person in my life for a reason. I could go on about my friends all day long because they are so amazing and they each have a huge thing to add to my life.
My husband is AMAZING. Simply put....he puts up with my shit. I am crazy...what girl is not...I don't care how cool a girl claims to be...at some point she is going to be flipping nuts....I just needed someone to hold my hand and bare it. Someone to tell me that it's going to turn out great no matter how bad things may seem...and to tell me I am pretty and not crazy even when I know I am, and to give me food!!...for the most part..My hubby does all of those things when I let him. Sometimes (actually 98% of the time) I am stubborn.
Writing is something that I need to sort my thoughts. When I think my life is so horrible writing gives me proof that it’s not. My weight is something I will have to conquer day by day and with the help of one of my close friends and an ongoing bet, I might actually reach my goals one day. I just need to keep writing and praying. Oh yes…and keep breathing. Sometimes a deep breath is all I need. Life is good and bad, but I am still going to kiss the sun!!
73 days sober
This was probably the most random thing I have ever written…and it makes me laugh
J
