Help me Jesus day 2 and I need a break all ready day 3

Day 2 was a SUPER struggle for me. Slept in, jammed out in my little dance while I put on my makeup routine, and work was fantasticly slow and easy. I went to the gym and did my weights. I skipped one weight just because my arms were spent. I immediately did my run and it was a little better then day one which I can appreciate. Doing my insanity was the true test to my dedication because it was rainy and I was super tired. The kids wanted to participate in my workout by climbing on my back during push up jacks and crawling through my legs while I was trying to do jump squats. I had to stop every 10 minutes to get sippy cups, or take a kid potty..but I finished the workout.

Day 3. I slept in again. Started to think just maybe something was wrong with me. My entire body hurt so I made the decision that I was resting my body today. I have heard that you cant out train a bad diet but today a sweetheart shake was screaming my name along with some chips and salsa. Work was kind of busy which was nice and I had some great guests today. My manager today was awesome as well so it made for a really great shift. I came home and laid down to watch some television. Next thing I know all members of my litte family are piled in our king size bed asleep and two hours have passed. We get up and go looking for deer. So it has been a great day of rest. I am thinking of pampering our little girls tomorrow afternoon with haircuts and nails being painted and all that jazz.

Side note: since working out I have completely lost my boobs. It makes me super sad..on my list of things to do now....BOOB JOB!! I have to decide if we are going to have anymore children and I also want to wait until I am at least close to my ideal weight. Lazik eye surgery is also a priority on my list. I am blind as a bat. literally I can not see 10 feet in front of me. That saying "if it were a snake it would have bitten me" is a literal saying for me. My braces hopefully will be coming off in march. Good things to come.

Day 4 here I come...I hope I make it through :)

Holy Moly day 1 of many...

Today was amazing and brutal in a little ball. It is 11 at night and my 4 and 2 year old are still awake and insisting that we plan their birthday parties. K wants barbie like her backpack and E wants mermaid. My kids are amazing and smart. I could not imagine my life any other way. Back to my amazing and brutal day. I slept in all though I wanted to get up and workout. My time management SUCKS. I was well rested though and that is what matters in the end. I got up and got pretty for work while blaring awesome 80's music. Work on my side (lounge) was slow today but I managed to make some pretty decent money. There were only two really really bad tippers..a newly 21 year old and his teen girlfriend. He was trying to prove his manliness by drinking a bunch and then laid down a 100.00.. I knew that meant a low tip..and 2.00 later I was right. The other bad tipper left me 1.50...really impressive sir. I hope you live in a shack. I did not let that bring down my day though because I had some super amazing guests today. Even if they had been bad tippers which they were not at all...these people made me laugh. They joked with me, I kept their beers full, we saw magic tricks, and watched the olympics. I had fantastic managers today. Work was just perfect today. My eating was great. I didnt really mess up and my water intake was on point as well. My hubs stopped by work and left me a sweet note in my car. You can tell he works at lowes because the note was on a paint stick. Such a romantic :)

Brutal = the workout that I put myself through today. I went to the gym after work today and ran a few miles and the grunting I heard from all the men lifting during my run made me realize I was going to do free weights at home. I came home and immediately did day 1 Insanity and Jamie Eason day 1 lifting. I want to all out kill it until school starts and hopefully I can manage my time well enough to keep up the work during school. My legs and arms are still shaking though and I am ready to give out.

Amazing = actually doing all the work and not letting anything get to me. I was literally trying to talk myself out of working out at all and my inner workout beast was screaming "DO THE FLIPPING WORKOUT LAZY ASS''. So I just pushed through and did it. I read today that anything you really want comes with sacrifice. That statement is truer then true. I have to do this though. Not for my husband, or to appeal to the masses, but for myself.

Side note I watched this movie warrior the other night with the hubby...great movie and I totally recommend it!

All in all I would say today was a great way to start a new chapter. My weight was 147.6 today and that means I have 10 POUNDS TO GO. Now for bedtime.

It's official. I am a MESS

Every week...no scratch that...everyday I have an amazing epiphany about why I am the way I am. How I can make my life better, be more mature about things, rise above of all the negativity that surrounds or more like engulfs me. In reality I am searching. Searching for that endless pit of happiness. I feel like getting to that point I have to be above who I am….and I try to be that person. I feel fake. Like I am a piece of art that people stop and look at and once they think they have me figured out they move on. I was not raised with that outpouring of acceptance. As a teenager I wanted to escape who I was. Nothing was ever good enough and there was always something better that I believed was waiting for me.

There is something that I really want but cannot have. Instead of accepting that, I dwell on it. I think about it and every scenario good and bad leading up to it and away from it. At the end of that tunnel though, I am still unhappy. I had a perfect plan for my life. When I got married me and the Hubs made our own plan. Those plans did not pan out, but I have to believe that every step and crack I have stepped on has led me to something. Without belief I have nothing. People say turn to god. Give all your problems to him. I am a control freak. If I do not have control I lose my shit. So tell me how to release everything inside out there in the world? I can barely breathe. Some people think they know what is happening. They think they know when I am sad or what is going through my mind. I can promise there is not one person in this world that knows what I have done or who I am. I am a liar. I am not interesting in any shape or form. I am the product of what everyone else wants me to be. When I try to take a step back I feel suffocated. There is no room for error. I have to worry about how to be a good parent and role model daily. I have to worry about a backlash from my husband. Him feeling neglected or thinking I do not love him, him flipping out because I say something that he might disagree with or take the wrong way. I have to be completely calculated. Someone….everyone is watching me. This is where I break.

I have not been committed to myself. I cannot take care of or love another person if I do not take care of or love myself. Just because I have accomplished some things does not mean I love myself. It does not mean that I do not strive to do and be better. I am not satisfied. The greatest thing I have ever done is be a parent and I feel like I could do better. Less television, more play, maybe some color time or reading a book when they go to bed. Truth is I am flipping exhausted. They are my entire life. I live and breathe for my girls. I just feel like I am not good enough for them. They deserve better…I need to be better somehow.

What I want for myself….

My dream is to travel the world. See hidden cities, kayak into caves, and hike to waterfalls, see where thousands of men have died. I want to take in and appreciate everything. I need to disconnect. Remember me. What makes me laugh and smile from my core. Not that fake haha stuff but true little belly laughs like my daughters get when you tickle them. I want to let go….literally feel like I have nothing and everything at the same time. The first thing I am going to change is letting others have opinions on what my path is…they try to shine their light at my fork in the road to lure me their way. I have to build my own flipping torch, flashlight, or whatever that lights up, and find my own way or I cannot appreciate my journey. All I will have is resentment that I didn’t get to do it my way.

First step….breath and let myself cry and be okay with it…sometimes a girl needs to just cry (no it’s not my time of the month). The kind of cry that you don’t stop until you’re done.

Second….Play some of the most amazingly random music I know…Sing in my hairbrush and display some of the worst dance moves I have ever performed…..maybe throw in a laugh and a smile. Yeah…..I think I will start there J