Every week...no scratch that...everyday I have an amazing epiphany about why I am the way I am. How I can make my life better, be more mature about things, rise above of all the negativity that surrounds or more like engulfs me. In reality I am searching. Searching for that endless pit of happiness. I feel like getting to that point I have to be above who I am….and I try to be that person. I feel fake. Like I am a piece of art that people stop and look at and once they think they have me figured out they move on. I was not raised with that outpouring of acceptance. As a teenager I wanted to escape who I was. Nothing was ever good enough and there was always something better that I believed was waiting for me.
There is something that I really want but cannot have. Instead of accepting that, I dwell on it. I think about it and every scenario good and bad leading up to it and away from it. At the end of that tunnel though, I am still unhappy. I had a perfect plan for my life. When I got married me and the Hubs made our own plan. Those plans did not pan out, but I have to believe that every step and crack I have stepped on has led me to something. Without belief I have nothing. People say turn to god. Give all your problems to him. I am a control freak. If I do not have control I lose my shit. So tell me how to release everything inside out there in the world? I can barely breathe. Some people think they know what is happening. They think they know when I am sad or what is going through my mind. I can promise there is not one person in this world that knows what I have done or who I am. I am a liar. I am not interesting in any shape or form. I am the product of what everyone else wants me to be. When I try to take a step back I feel suffocated. There is no room for error. I have to worry about how to be a good parent and role model daily. I have to worry about a backlash from my husband. Him feeling neglected or thinking I do not love him, him flipping out because I say something that he might disagree with or take the wrong way. I have to be completely calculated. Someone….everyone is watching me. This is where I break.
I have not been committed to myself. I cannot take care of or love another person if I do not take care of or love myself. Just because I have accomplished some things does not mean I love myself. It does not mean that I do not strive to do and be better. I am not satisfied. The greatest thing I have ever done is be a parent and I feel like I could do better. Less television, more play, maybe some color time or reading a book when they go to bed. Truth is I am flipping exhausted. They are my entire life. I live and breathe for my girls. I just feel like I am not good enough for them. They deserve better…I need to be better somehow.
What I want for myself….
My dream is to travel the world. See hidden cities, kayak into caves, and hike to waterfalls, see where thousands of men have died. I want to take in and appreciate everything. I need to disconnect. Remember me. What makes me laugh and smile from my core. Not that fake haha stuff but true little belly laughs like my daughters get when you tickle them. I want to let go….literally feel like I have nothing and everything at the same time. The first thing I am going to change is letting others have opinions on what my path is…they try to shine their light at my fork in the road to lure me their way. I have to build my own flipping torch, flashlight, or whatever that lights up, and find my own way or I cannot appreciate my journey. All I will have is resentment that I didn’t get to do it my way.
First step….breath and let myself cry and be okay with it…sometimes a girl needs to just cry (no it’s not my time of the month). The kind of cry that you don’t stop until you’re done.
Second….Play some of the most amazingly random music I know…Sing in my hairbrush and display some of the worst dance moves I have ever performed…..maybe throw in a laugh and a smile. Yeah…..I think I will start there J
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