This very moment.

At this very moment......I feel like it's time for a change. It's over due. Every time I write a post it is about a self revelation that I have come across. I am a thinker. A worrier. Laughs feel distant. The past year of my life has been crazy. I have made some of the greatest friends I will ever know. The hard part is knowing that there will be a time when those friends will move on for whatever reason. Since school has started I have separated myself from anything and everything that will distract me from the goal at hand. I know that comes at an expense. I know that when all is said and done there will be few left standing. I did everything by the hurricane system. I told everyone that my life was going to get crazy and there will be little time to focus on anything other then myself and family.

My biggest problem has been my heart. It seeks what it can not have. It seeks something that is on the outside looking in. My mind tries to cheat my heart out of what it deserves. Out of what I deserve. I wish that people would always say how they feel. do what the say and say what they mean. I have let some people get to close to my heart knowing that in the end.....the only thing that will be left standing is me and whats left of a heart. instead of enjoying the time I have with these people...I am preparing to lose them. It's like someone you love having three months to live. You know the end is coming. You want them to want you. You want them to wince when they think for a second you may not be around. I want to think that if I was not around that they would notice. Would they?

I am not where I wanted to be mentally, physically, and spiritually. I am consumed. I could easily blame someone else for this but in the end I have a choice. every minute I live and breath I have a choice. I was thinking the other day that I wanted to climb everest or do an ironman. what an awesome goal that would be. Before I am 30 I want to climb everest or the andes (to see machu picchu) (spelling sorry) or do an ironman. Why not? if someone from the biggest loser can do why can't I?? It all starts with a step. A willingness to change and be the person that you want to be. I always want to change. The problem has always been the follow through.

I was going to make some commitments to myself but lets start with homework.

Tonight I will stay up doing homework :)