What is this all about??

"What is this all about" was a question asked to me about my blog. I guess my about me is a bit vague so I will be a little more detailed.

My entire life I have had an issue with my weight and body. I was the tall girl or the "thick" girl. All the guys in my grade were the same size as I was, which can be a bit of a downer when you want to feel guarded and safe. I never wore two piece bathing suits. I didn't wear short shorts or revealing tops. I ALWAYS sucked in. I dated boys way older then me because those were the type that made me feel comfortable with my body. I felt safe. I had friends that in my eyes were track stars, even the other girls that were my size looked amazing and totally rocked their bodies, and then there were those with those crazy six packs. I grew up in a home where healthy eating was not a priority although it should have been given that most of my family is overweight and have serious health issues.

I met my husband working as a "sandwich artist" at subway (you can laugh if you want). He hit on me, and asked me on a date. I stood him up first go around, felt awful, and made it up to him. Did I mention that I lied about my age?? Oh yeah I lied about my age. He was a trooper when I dropped the bomb on him. It was already to late...he loved me :). We dated for about a year and split. It was my senior year and although my heart was broken I had the greatest friends to take up my time. I did what every Sr. girl in high school should do...I got crazy. I didn't care about my body at all. I drank, ate whatever I wanted, didn't focus on school, and I would soon reap what I sowed. My husband (R) and I got back together towards the end of my Sr. year after my grandfather (my hero) passed. Being overweight was just one factor in his passing. He was in a really bad truck accident and developed diabetes. My grandpa was set in his ways. He was strong for as long as he could be mentally but his body just couldn't go on and began to shut down. When he passed my life spun out of control. Family problems happened and I switched schools...just crazy. Again my body was of no concern to me. Alcohol and food numbed me. I went years without facing the fact that I had lost one of the only men in my life that without a doubt loved me unconditionally. No money or strings attached. He wanted the best for me. Let me skip ahead. Me and R eventually tied the knot in 2005. My weight was around 180 and I am 5'7.5. I had 2 miscarriages early on in our relationship...but the part I am getting to changed it all. The bank I worked at was robbed at gunpoint. It was a crazy situation. I had to go to counseling per the company I worked for and things were hectic. R and I had been married for almost 2 years. I realized my boobs hurt like CRAZY...and jokingly a girl said "You must be pregnant". I looked in horror as I started searching for my date book....Crap I was a month late and hadn't even noticed...I went home and took the test. POSITIVE. I cried in shock but was secretly excited. I was young but you know "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage" right? We told our family and celebrated. A few weeks later I started to bleed. A lot. R rushed me to the hospital and it was there we learned our baby was not viable. Although I should have been between 8-12 weeks the baby never developed. I was told to go home, lay in bed, and wait for the baby/tissue to pass. That was a Friday. Saturday R did everything he could to keep me comfortable. All I could do was cry. I blamed it all on myself. What kind of woman was I? So many questions ran through my mind with no answers. The bleeding just proceeded to get worse and by Sunday I was out of my mind. I left my jail cell knowing that the baby that I was carrying was dead. Still bleeding I was taken into surgery that Monday. When I got home everything seemed to be without joy and colorless. I had my follow up appointment and all I could seem to ask was "why"? The doctor said there was no for sure answer but my weight could have been a factor. As the words poured out of Dr. W's mouth I was making the decision to get healthy so I could have my miracle baby. I started running, competed in my first half marathon (which I totally under trained for), did magazine workouts, and got a punching bag and boxing gloves. I was in the best shape I had been in ever. I was taking pregnancy tests like I had stock in the company. I was lucky. On month three I had two pink lines cross my stick. It was so faint R couldn't even see it...but I knew it was there.

At that moment my life stood still. I quit anything remotely close to exercise. I was scared I would jiggle my little yolk out of my tummy...have I mentioned that ray bribed me with ice cream every night? I put on weight...and fast. By my delivery date I had gained a solid 80 pounds. I weighed 240+ pounds. I felt like a house. I had stretch marks on EVERY part of my body. In the moment...I didn't care. My baby was safe and I took my pregnancy full term. That was something to be joyful about. I delivered K via C-section which was brutal on my abdominal muscles. When I got home I dropped to about 197 within a few weeks. YAY for breast feeding!. My weight halted. I cried when I ran outside because I felt everyone was looking at me, and frankly I just didn't know where to start. I left the bank and went back to waitressing, and I started to buy weights and do at home workouts. I got down to 162 when my marriage took a huge hit at the same time I discovered I was pregnant with E. My little world was crumbling and I had no control. I didn't gain as much weight but I didn't focus on what was best for my body. Working as a waitress, trying to support a family, struggling with my marriage, and trying to do school took its toll. I gained another 50 pounds. I delivered C-section again. When I came home I was disgusted at what I had become physically. I had a mental breakdown outside of an Old Navy.  R bought me a treadmill, an Ipod, music, videos...He was more then supportive. I dropped back down to 180 Blah, Blah, Blah....Eventually the financial struggle was more then I could take and R had just started a new job. In efforts to save everyone time and money we moved in with my inlaws. They are amazingly fantastic people. I transferred waitressing jobs and started doing more 5ks, trying new workouts, just enjoying my family, time and money. The weight just started falling off. I got down to 155 and that has been where I have struggled. I have been down to 143 but started the tech program and quickly got back to 155 due to the lack of activity. I am out of the program now and am fighting for the body I want..gradually :)  I am okay knowing I will NEVER wear a two piece, that I have stretch marks everywhere, and that I will never have a sculpted six pack.

I am learning everyday about clean eating, and exercise. This is all about my personal journey everyday. Its all about my finances, my marriage, being a mom, school...you name it and its on here somewhere. Its my daily struggle figuring out who I am. There is so much more to come and I cant wait.

Soooooo....that's my about me for now...

to be continued...!