The Real Reason

Two years ago my marriage and life was falling apart. The only thing I could possibly control was my body. I knew that I had pushed myself before and I knew I could do it again. In this determination to brutalize myself, I got down to my lowest weight ever in the history of my memory. Yes, I know at some point I was a size 8 in high school, but I can't even remember where I put my car keys 20 minutes ago so just go with me on this.

I started going to marriage counseling and focusing on what was wrong internally with me. What on earth does that mean? It means I quit working out after my half marathon. My hip was shot, I was exhausted, and honestly I just love food that is really terrible to/for the human body.

Gradually, I became happier. I was laughing, not drinking, playing with my kids, planning vacations, and I was kicking "the struggle's" BUTT. The friends worth having absolutely stuck by my side and never let me feel that my decision to become "a whole person" was an inconvenience to them.

Here's the tough part....

In that quest to become whole I ate a TON of amazing food. I mean smothered in butter and spices. Cajun food. Tex-Mex food. Burgers. Pizza. New restaurants. Old restaurants. It didn't matter, if there was food than I was there. If you have kept up with my story you have now discovered that not only did I quit my quest for 6pack abs but I also put on a few pounds. 34.6 to be exact. I would love to say it is not all my fault because I had some hormone issues and vitamin issues, but I knew that the bulk of my weight gain was all me. I decide.

So what now? Where do I go from here? How do I start again? Well the husband and I are on a mission. That is another post, but I got back on the supplements that were made to help me achieve my goals. I started researching. I started preparing.

So now that you know the reason that I have to start completely over, are you ready to hear and see the answer to my problem?

My Dream and My Future

What do I want to do with my life?

Help people who were just like me 6 years ago. Having miscarriages and being a high risk pregnancy is a super tough thing. I knew so badly that I wanted to be a mother that I would have done anything. That includes sitting on the couch with minimal activity for fear that I would jiggle my little love bundle out of me. Oh wait....that is exactly what happened. Yep, I gained a whooping 80 pounds with my first pregnancy. I wasn't even worried about it because I just knew I would lose 20 pounds in the hospital. Whoever spoon fed me that lie..I am looking for you. The stress of being a new mom, not eating, not sleeping, and breastfeeding helped me lose about 40 pounds. After, it was all determination to quit wearing maternity pants that got me through to another 20 pound loss. Before I knew it I was pregnant again. This time I gained another whooping 60 ish pounds. At this point I was so ashamed of my body that I had a nervous breakdown outside of an old navy in Sherman, Texas. I was mortified to run outside for fear that someone would point and laugh. I didn't want to go to a gym because I felt I didn't belong there. Thank God for an amazing and supportive husband who went out and bought me a treadmill and let me accumulate enough equipment to workout at home. I started researching how to work certain body parts and how to eat healthy. Magazines and DVD's piled up from all of the things I wanted to try and eventually I realized that I had a passion developing.

Fast forward...short version...I became a personal trainer, let my certification go due to me providing services for free, started running half marathons, did my first triathlon, acquired a hip injury, went back to school with a major in business, kept waitressing, foreclosed on our house, moved to the country, lost weight, put on weight, started my Advocare journey, worked on my marriage, and finally worked on me. The working on me thing is still a work in progress.

Now, I have been working on what I truly want to do. Free or not. My mission is to help every single mom out there with the same struggles. I believe that there should be a place or a person that soon to be moms, pregnant women, or mom's who just had a baby can go to for information, seminars, fitness classes, and I also think it would be awesome to have a place that fully catered to the new mom. I dream about it most nights. I didn't have a place like that. I didn't have someone that could teach me how to make baby food, that could teach me how to alleviate back pain while pregnant, and I didn't have someone helping me to remain fit during pregnancy so I could bounce back after pregnancy. Information was minimal.

What steps am I taking? Currently I am studying my little heart out. After the first of the year I will be getting my PT certification, group certification, and pre/post natal certification. As that is occurring I will start building awareness. I have set up all of my social media sites except twitter and I will continue to build my webpage..(which I have to research as well because I have no idea how to build a webpage).

I can't wait to show people what I have been working on.

blah sauce/ day 17 of challenge

I got up this morning just the way I promised myself I would. Positive. My husband let me sleep in which I must say was wonderful. I put some cute curls in my hair and watched some spongebob with my baby girl. I was chipper when I got in the car to go to work. I kept my positive outlook all day at work. I ate well and kept drinking my water. I was sooo proud of myself....until I got the message that my daughters tball had been canceled. I hadn't brought my gym bag because I thought I wouldn't have time to go to the gym. I was mad at myself for not being prepared. I made pretty good money so even when I left work I felt that I had achieved my goal for the day when it came to work. When I got home I jumped out of the car and LEFT my phone there. That's right...I left my phone. My daughter had a friend over for a play date and I immediately jumped in on the action. We played baseball and rode 4 wheelers. I again was reaching my goal of steering away from technology when I was home. I was sweating and starting to get ready to workout when my dear father in law invited us for dinner. I knew that I would not make a good decision wherever we went and like a DA I went anyways. I wont say what I ate but lets just say it did not fall in my 100% category of my goals. If I was keeping score at this point I would be 1/1. Then I got home. I knew that the only thing I had left was to workout. I seriously started. I made it halfway through my first round and said...nope. My legs and arms hurt like something fierce and my body was saying...no was jose. I am making excuses at this point. I could have pushed through, but I didn't. So lets make that one win and two fails. I did manage to put in my advocare order and make a few bucks. I will count that as a win. Now for some cuddle time. Good night all.

Writing down my priorities/goals

Goals are simple. Making them is simple. Implementing them and following through is the hard part. I keep adding to my list of things that I am doing and all I wanted was simple. My ultimate goal was to spend the summer getting the body that I've  always dreamed of, paying off all our debt (with the exception of the car), and saving money to completely pay for my school summer and fall. My goals have not started off great because I included May in that equation. Ray gets paid tomorrow and we will finally be done catching up from our trip to DC. I hate how everything worked out money wise, but I had so much fun in DC and would not change anything. That being said I feel like I have been so busy that my priorities have been in the wrong place.

The lights of my life are K and E. Their smile makes everything seem faded and distant. On my worst day I can come home and hear the girls call my name with excitement...at that very moment my heart melts. They don't care how much money I make right now. They don't care about my personal achievements right now. They don't care about my cloths or if my hair is blonde or brown. All they want is my time. The list in my life should go....Family, work, working out...then all the other random stuff I will call fillers. I know some of my friends will be like "F you, I am no filler", but until you have kids and a man that adores your every move, you will never understand what I mean by that statement. I love my friends I don't want anyone to misconstrue that, but friends should never be at the top of anyone's priority list. Church is entwined in all of my priorities so I don't want anyone trying to throw that in my face. I am really trying to be a better person not just for myself but for K and E.

Where does a person start with goals? For me it is making that list of priorities and going from there.

1. Family- My marriage is better then it has ever been. I used to resent Ray for everything that had gone wrong instead of accepting, learning, and moving on. Until you learn forgiveness you have nothing in your life. You cannot change/control the things that have already happened. What you can do Is change how you react to them and how your future will be effected. If I chose to stay mad at Ray then I chose to be mad??? Who wants to be mad?? My goal with my marriage is to try and remember to forgive the little things because that is exactly what they are...little things. Tomorrow is undetermined and I need to quit living like I know what is going to happen. That's god's job. Another goal is to be less connected. Put my phone up when I get home. My kids deserve all of me. Not part of me. Right now sometimes when they talk I don't hear them. I am missing things. I am missing the most important part of my life due to technology. They are only little like this for a short time. What have I been thinking?? Oh yeah...my friends have been at the top of my list. All they want to do is color, play pretend, watch spongebob, paint nails, and jump on the trampoline with me. Starting tomorrow....When I get home I am disconnecting. Anyone who really needs me knows how to get ahold of me if it is important. When it is bedtime I will respond to texts. My girls deserve all of my time, and so does my amazing husband.

2. Work- I am lucky to have the job I have and I love it. I get off when I need, I have amazing managers that are more like friends (but I still respect them as authoritative figures). I have the opportunity to make insane money if I want. I get to be home with my family at night and I only work part time and make as much as some of my friends working full time. I want to be more appreciative and take the stupid people in stride. For instance people who stiff you on 50.00 tickets. It would be one thing if they vocalized dissatisfaction, but to tell me I did an amazing job and leave me nothing is a slap in the face. Instead of having an immediate rage out...I should ask myself.. Maybe they didn't expect their bill to be that much and they didn't have enough, maybe one person paid and someone else was supposed to leave the tip and didn't, maybe they don't know I make 2.13 an hour and they assume I make minimum wage. Sometimes it is not about my service and I need to not take it personal. It happens.  For every bad tipper I have a good one. Maybe not in the same night, but it all evens out. If I keep a smile on my face and stay positive good things will happen. So that is my goal for work. Be positive.

3. Working out- I have never put 100% ever. I cheat on my diet, make excuses, or just flat out get lazy and quit doing it. I make the mistake on relying on others to help motivate me. I have people that do motivate me but I don't need to base what I do around if they do something or not. If they eat something bad that does not give me the opportunity to do bad. I want to fully focus on my workouts. Go to the gym and out right kill it. I want to commit to short term goals. Day by day. I have been doing the day by day thing and for the past 4 days I have gone to the gym and destroyed my body parts. Tomorrow will be day 5, but my food and thought process will be more deliberate. I have 7 days left on my challenge and it will be the best 7 days ever!

My other goals will stay the same...
-I want to pay off my husbands birthday gift
-I want to save up enough money to pay for my school so I don't have to do payments and make things harder
-I want my Advocare business to turn into something amazing and I want that to happen while I am working on my body just so people can see what the products are capable of.
-I want to find a balance and reconnect with my friends. (I miss my friend TW)
-I want to engrave in my brain that I cannot please everyone, and those that love me will stick around because I am about to do some amazing things.
-I want my bachelors degree. I am never going to win the lottery so I need to make things happen.

Kudos- One of my goals has been to be a better role model. K and E are running their first 5k Saturday and K asked me today if she could get on a plane and do a race like mommy. I am doing my job as a parent if I am motivating her to be healthy and active. K told me today she wants to play sports and E told me she wants to tumble and do cheerleading like on TV. They also started doing horse lessons again. In love with those two little girls and their ambitions and I am so glad they have parents that encourage and love to watch them grow. When they tell me they want to do something I go out of my way to make it happen. I know some say I am spoiling them but I feel like I am giving them the world. I am giving the options to find out what they like and don't like.

So now.....My goal instead of Nike San Francisco....Its Disney Princess where the girls can both run and get medals. It is all about them. Time to do my devotional...Good night!! I will let you know how tomorrow goes :)

YURBUDS product review

When I was at the Nike Georgetown expo I discovered the yurbuds booth. The sad thing is that what drew me to that booth was the color of the headphones. They are my absolute favorite color. The headphones I had were black sony's and I literally had to wear a fleece headband to hold my headphones in while I ran. I didn't NEED new headphones but the bright color made me happy so I gravitated towards them. The sales guy asked if I knew about them and as I said know he asked if I wanted to try the out. WELL OF COURSE!! My inner child was giggling and jumping up and down. When he locked them into my ear I was sold. He didn't have to tell me anymore, but he did of course. Yurbuds lock into your ear so when you run the don't come out, the sound is amazing, and they have 3 options. You can get the generic pair (what I got) that work just like any other headphones. The upgrade from that is buttons on the cord that can change the song and volume. Some versions have the ability to take commands (change song, volume up). It works amazing with smart phones. The best version has all of the above and the cord is unbreakable and NEVER tangles. If it does they replace it for free. The only reason I got the generic was because I don't know how to use the voice command thing on my phone. I have an iphone 4, but if you have a 4s or 5 the upgrade is what you want to go with. These things are seriously AMAZING!!

Holy Mother's day weekend

This weekend was amazing and full of greatness. I got up early Saturday and hit the gym bright and early. I was so proud of myself but I still left the gym without doing squats. The machine was completely empty. I have no idea what was holding me back. I know that I could have done better and that is the part the frustrates me. After the gym time I rushed to get K for her game. She did some awesome until she was hit in the nose. There was blood everywhere, but she was so calm. She cried and she said it hurt a lot. All she wanted was her mommy which made me feel warm and fuzzy. Afterwards I saw my friend Tori that I had not seen since I left the surgical tech program. She looked amazing. We spent the rest of the afternoon together with the girls. When I finally got home I was exhausted and thanking god that K did not have a broken nose. Did I mention I got the most awesome octopus lunch stacker from target??

Sunday I perked right out of bed to get ready for church. K and E surprised me with their gift which was a pink kitchenaid food chopper. It was just what I wanted and had asked for. The sermon at church was amazing and When I got home all I wanted to do was eat and be lazy. Around 6 my husband decided it was time to sand down my dresser project. We decided that we would redo our room and started looking at paint colors. I took all the stuff off the walls, so now it looks big and completely naked. It was a great mothers day overall. Sad I didn't get to see my mom though.

Today was good. I went to work and was lucky to get someone to switch with me so I could leave early. I came home and hit the pavement. It was brutal and hot....but I kept at it. I lifted and killed my arms and knocked out two miles. Then it was time for the girls riding lesson with the beautiful Bella. Now I can barely keep my eyes open. Good times. Exhausted.

Friday Smiday

So after last night I was a bit on the shut down side. I was lucky I woke up to take K to school. I was so exhausted for some reason...maybe it was all that running I did in my dreams. When I dropped her off, I came straight home and cuddled the hubs. An hour later I was abruptly awoken by a ringing telephone. I knew that it was time to get up and get ready, and again I was sooooooooo darn itchy. My MBFF text me and honestly I was just in no mood to text how unpleasant my morning was going. I got to work and was ready to make money. I was out of sorts though and my friends could tell. I really think that me not doing my bible devotion in the morning is making for a rough start. Anyways the shift started smooth and I was getting some good tips. A cook didn't show and the kitchen tickets were 20-30 minutes, but my partner and I seemed pretty good at keeping our tables happy. When we cut everyone we got rocked but that made for a quick ending. I made good with my friends that I had been crappy to earlier in the morning and then left work with a good wad of cash. Have I ever mentioned that I HATE buying gas. It sucks. I made it home just in time to be late for K's T-ball practice. My car started overheating and my thermostat is sticking. Blah Blah Blah....Are we ready for today's positive yet?

While I was at work I got a surprise. One of my friends decided that she was going to join my advocare team. I cant tell you how awesome that is. I am so excited for her and cant wait to do some stuff together. She is going to do amazing and I know she will make some money!

Another one
of my really good friends is not only walking across stage to receive her associates degree, but she found out today that she was accepted into Tarelton. She is so phenomenal and she deserves every positive thing happening to her.

I made some super high goals for myself and I am not quite sure how to implement them but it is game on starting tomorrow...well given that this poison oak is a tad better. I was going to purchase all this new gym swag and decided that I wanted to earn it instead... I will post some pics of my motivation area and my goals when I am done :)

I will say that I am giving myself 12 weeks to hit this goal. They include mind, body, family, and financial goals.

well until tomorrow.

p.s. I tried on the shirt I created for the running team and I am in love. And today was day 10 of the challenge and the last day I had to drink that awful fiber drink!!!