Today was a good day

'Mommy, Mommy....wheres my sippy cup." That is what I woke up to this morning. It's amazing how you can be mad for having to get up so early and then smile because you have a beautiful little person in your face that is so excited to see your eyes open. Our routine every morning is laying in our bed and watching an episode of spongebob square pants. I was going to work out but decided to go to work early and help do an order. I jumped in the shower and shagged ass to work. It was a total 2.00 day. Some people know how to tip. They know how hard it is to wait on demanding people. Some people think that all though they ran my ass off and had the most random modifications to their orders that 2.00 is adequate for a 40.00 ticket. I want to reach out and slap some people. I make 2.13 an hour. I had a table yesterday and I am pretty sure the woman was the antichrist. There was no pleasing this woman. She looked at me like I was stupid and I could not do anything fast enough. How was I to know that her fat ass needed 20 ranchs for 3 chicken crispers. People drive me BANANA'S. I did get to work with the amazing MB today. I flipping love her so much. I can be completely honest with her and it's amazing how similar we are and how different our lifestyles are. We can go a few weeks and not really see each other and just pick up where we left off. The money was not good today but I still had a wonderful day. I got to have lunch with my MB and talk out some stuff. I also got to restart a bet that I have going with one of my managers. It gives me motivation to keep working out because I want to beat him. The bet this week is if I lose I have to buy a cast iron skillet form tractor supply. If I win (which I think I will!) he has to enter in a 5k called glow dallas. So this weeks bet is really good. Yesterday as soon as I got off work I worked out and since it was so hot I was only able to put a mile in, but that was better then nothing. My eating was super good for the most part and I did not over indulge right before I went to bed. So here's to day 1!!!

My workout of the day 6/26/2012

Me after that dreadful workout

My beautiful view on my run

Scattered thoughts.

It should be simple. I should be able to step outside and let the sunshine hit my lips. I should be able to dance in the rain. I should be able to go to sleep at night without a thought in the world. Life should be simple when it’s lived right, right? I know the answer is simple....HELL NO LIFE IS NOT EASY...but why? Today as I was crying in my car because I felt overwhelmed I realized that I was not letting my life be easy. I created expectations from my life and of people. I have made it almost impossible for myself to be truly happy. I always want what someone else has instead of what I have. I know I am not the only one in the world this has happened to and all though I am surrounded by people I can’t help but feel alone.

In all legitness I have isolated myself from everyone including my husband. I don’t want anyone to know what I am feeling inside because that makes me vulnerable. The truth....I am a hot flipping mess. A huge part of me wants another baby. I really want a boy. The other part of me is screaming "What the flip are you thinking?" We can’t afford another kid, 3 college tuitions, 3 weddings, 3 cars....just three kids in general we can’t afford. I also feel like I have my two miracles. I do not want either of my babies to feel neglected in any way or as if I didn't provide for them. I am also not a very good wife. I know this. My husband loves affection...he thrives on it...When I am mad he wants to hug and kiss. At night when all I want to do is relax...he is trying to cop a feel on his hot wife. I treat him sometimes like I don't want anything to do with him. I avoid him through my phone. I don’t want him to know or see all the insecurities I am hiding inside.  I must say that I am trying to do better...I am not perfect but at least I am trying. My friends have a multitude of problems that I choose to insert myself in because I think it makes me a better friend. Seriously....are you thinking hot mess yet? Let’s continue.....I live with my in-laws (who are amazing) but sometimes it’s still really hard when all you want is a space of your own. My weight has shifted and I gained 7 pounds. I keep saying I am dedicated to losing it, but I choose to sleep in. I keep searching for outer beauty when I should be focused on improving myself as a person. I keep saying all these amazing things I want to do but have yet to apply myself to. I took a serious look at my years goals and I laughed and thought "over achiever"....I feel disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror no matter how good my friends and family say I look. I still see that girl that cried outside of old navy because she bought the biggest sized jeans they sold in store....There is so much more....the point of all this though is to not only get it off my chest but to publicly seek a resolution.

The reason I live with my in-laws is because we wanted to save money and buy land/build a house. I wanted to finish school. I wanted my children to be close with their family and for my mommy in law to not have to drive so far to watch my girls. I have not saved a dime. However; I was accepted into the surgical tech program which is huge for me. I also decided what I wanted to do with my future long term (and it will take a while so it is definitely long term). My daughters are really close with their family. They have an amazing time living in the country. I love that my daughters help grow gardens and can run from our house to their meme's anytime they want.

My TRUE friends all though flawed support me no matter what. Everyone has those friends that come and go but I can say I have actual true friends. My best friend comes to be with me at the drop of a tear. I would do anything for her and she would do anything for me. I know we will grow old being best friends. The greatest part is that our daughters are friends. I also have another friend that has encouraged my education, my health, my happiness, my marriage. This person has helped me in ways that I didn't know I needed help. God put this person in my life for a reason. I could go on about my friends all day long because they are so amazing and they each have a huge thing to add to my life.

My husband is AMAZING. Simply put....he puts up with my shit. I am crazy...what girl is not...I don't care how cool a girl claims to be...at some point she is going to be flipping nuts....I just needed someone to hold my hand and bare it. Someone to tell me that it's going to turn out great no matter how bad things may seem...and to tell me I am pretty and not crazy even when I know I am, and to give me food!!...for the most part..My hubby does all of those things when I let him. Sometimes (actually 98% of the time) I am stubborn.

Writing is something that I need to sort my thoughts. When I think my life is so horrible writing gives me proof that it’s not. My weight is something I will have to conquer day by day and with the help of one of my close friends and an ongoing bet, I might actually reach my goals one day. I just need to keep writing and praying. Oh yes…and keep breathing. Sometimes a deep breath is all I need. Life is good and bad, but I am still going to kiss the sun!!

73 days sober

This was probably the most random thing I have ever written…and it makes me laugh J

Simple day on April 29th

I actually got to sleep in this morning. I was good to a BFF last night and requested they get some sleep all though I really wanted to talk. Instead of talking I put this crazy brain I have to work on studying. When I looked at my watch and it said 3 AM I knew it was time to hit the bed. I got lucky when the in laws said they would take the girls to church. I honestly thought I would be lazy but then a sudden urge hit me to get out of bed and clean my mess of room. Laundry, dishes, bathroom, and bedroom all got done. YAY! I watched the new transformers movie which was awesome. I get so into movies like that. We went to town and got some milk and burritos and chowed down on the backroads home. As I was stuffing my flipping face I realized I knew why I had that crazy feeling I was gaining weight...I WAS!! I have worked so hard and for the past month I have been stuffing my face with sugar. Constant Sugar. Gummy bears, sour worms, sodas, ice cream, cookies, reese's, snickers, and an over abundance of chocolate milk. A little over a week ago I had given myself 30 days to figure my shit out and start dropping this weight that I had gained. I know I gained because when I weighed....do do do do do do do (jeopardy music!)...I gained 10 pounds...it took me so long to get all that off why the fuck am I ruining all the hard work I am doing. I stare of at all these hard bodies on pinterest all day long. Pin all these insane workouts...hell I do insane workouts. My minimum run is 4 miles and I have been reaching 8. This past week however I stepped wrong off some gravel when a car was dusting me out and over extended my calf. It hurt so bad. I tried to run on it the next day thinking it would be no big deal and I did not make it very far. That alone caused me not to run for 3 days. I did get to go bike riding for a very brief time. My eating however is out of hand and now I am starting to lose my motivation. If it was not for a bet I have had with a co-workerI dont know that I would be working out at all. Sooo now I have 21 days to go. Tomorrow is a brand new day and a chance to renew my promise to myself. Because of my calf I can not go balls in to running my minimum everyday so I think I will start doing to weights and other fun stuff. I want to bring fun back into my workouts. I LOVE feeling like a beast and doing things that I dont feel the average girl would even attempt to do. Yeah a tiny little girl with a 6 pack has a 6 pack but can she do 30 minutes of tractor tire flips and log throws, run 5 miles, do 100 kettle bell swings, 100 medicine ball tosses and 100 squat thrusts in the same workout. Hmmmm I am thinking not likely unless they are a fellow badass. I can say that for the first time in a long time I am really happy. I mean REALLY REALLY happy. The smile on my face is for the most part constant. I have everything. I have amazing family and friends, my daughters are amazing (K told R today that jesus was dying because he would not take her outside to swing....HILARIOUS), I have a job and am doing great in school. Speaking of school I made a 100 on my exam today!! I finished my Anatomy review so I can start studying like crazy and then friday and sunday are my final exams...almost done for the summer...another YAY!!

My plan....Tomorrow I am going to wake up and embrace my inner badass. I am going to go to work and rock it while hopefully making some money. I am going to go to the gym and put all my frustrations out there. It needs to be okay for me to let it all out somewhere and I dont know a better place. People think that when they tell me to put it all out there that it is what I do....the things I keep in tear me down. I over think and I over worry about everything in my life. When I workout I feel like I can breath and for a second all that hurt, pain, sadness, or whatever melts away and I have hope and excitement that somehow everything will workout.

slight update

Can I just start this by saying my life has been absolute banana's since my last post on Feb 20th. Let me start this off with school. This is probably the most I have ever applied myself EVER in school. Everything just kind of clicked into place. I had an amazing support system this semester with my family and friends telling me everyday that I am a rockstar and I have this. I applied for the surgical tech program and took the test on March 30th. I actually got an amazing score of 93. Even with that high score I am not taking any chances and preparing to retest on June 5th. I also have to take my CPR certification class again because mine expired. I have all my shots records ready to go and all that remains is a physical and flu shot. I am totally and 100% prepared to take this on and do the best that I can do.

Family life has been crazy. I stay up until 1-2 AM studying, sleep in until about 8:30 sometimes 9 if I am lucky, get up and get emma out of bed and start getting ready for work. When I get home from work I try and workout and run a few miles. I shower and start to hang out with the family. Money has been crazy tight so we have been making the best of staying home. On the weekends I try and see my friends, hang out...ohhhh I forgot to mention. I QUIT DRINKING!! I am on day 15. I have been trying to do this for a while but just now found the inner determination that I needed. I have been keeping a journal since I have not had the time to really get on the computer and it has helped me through this crazy thought process known as thinking.

update more later!!

Today 2/20

So today me and ray started this cleanse. It lasted 4 hours. The shake I had to drink was beyond disgusting.i was supposed to snack on cucumbers (which i hate). Instead I ate two burger bites with no bun with a tad of ranch on it. Then I ate a chicken salad with tortilla strips, mix cheese, bacon, and avocado ranch. I came home feeling defeated by food. I then shared my daughters box of chocolates with them. Today will not be a total bust if I can do good at dinner. I have my workouts set out but tonight is a homework night and a rest day. I am hoping tomorrow is better. We also took our weight, measurements, and before pictures this morning. Hopefully in 30 days we will have some noticeable changes.

It takes one second

It takes one second. One second to make a choice that could change your life. The choice you make does not just challenge you, but it challenges everyone around you to accept the choice you have made. This is true in EVERY aspect of your life. From the time I get up to the time I rest my head its a constant. The trouble with this is the being unsure.

A very short time ago I made a decision in my marriage. It was hard. I knew if I stayed and dealt with the troubles I had always dealt with that I would eventually be broken down. What kind of mom could I possibly be if everyday my kids saw their mommy dealing with the constant bull shit that had been feed to her. I needed to be strong when I was dying inside. Separation is a huge word. It means the life as a married couple is spliting. Kids, bills, furniture....everything. I was not ready for the kind of separation but I knew for things to get better I had to step back. I was so lucky that me even saying that is what I wanted immediately started to change my life. I was sooooo lucky to have a few VERY supportive friends and family that rallied behind me. Many nights talking, I changed my mind every single day what I really wanted. I have all ready mentioned that I am an emotional eater so you can only imagine the havoc I created on my body. This weekend Me and R attended Marriage On The Rock. It was amazing. Every word at this seminar spoke to us. We held hands, got lost, laughed, kissed, experienced a completely new place, and had some alone time that we had so very much needed. I bought some jeans, we ate at new places, and I got to jump on the bed like a little kid. Friday night was the end of that nasty little S word (separation). Being focused on restoring my marriage has been fun.

Now its time to restore my body. Every choice I make is important. Its valentines day so the candy I have consumed has been astronomical. Tomorrow is a new day. I am praying for a balanced and productive day.

Out of anger

I am totally writing this because I am soooo mad at myself. Let me start at the beginning. I am going through some marital issues and have decided I am taking this time to figure me out. In that process I find myself waiting by the phone for a text, not sleeping, eating a lot then not eating, and drinking a lot. The amount I drank last night could have knocked a grown man out but let me give you an idea. 2 double patron, 1 single patron, jäger bomb, tall beer, presidente, el niño, and two other fruit drinks. I could barely speak. I hate myself for doing that. I know better. This is not even close To the person I want to be. Why am I doing this. I am tired of waiting by my phone...that's not living life. I had plans...no way I am going to be all talk. The drinking HAS to stop I don't have an option if I want to get where I want mentally and physically. I am ready to kill it in the gym I just need or want something to look forward to as motivation. So tonight I am going to find that motivation. Out with the old in with the new.