Out of anger

I am totally writing this because I am soooo mad at myself. Let me start at the beginning. I am going through some marital issues and have decided I am taking this time to figure me out. In that process I find myself waiting by the phone for a text, not sleeping, eating a lot then not eating, and drinking a lot. The amount I drank last night could have knocked a grown man out but let me give you an idea. 2 double patron, 1 single patron, jäger bomb, tall beer, presidente, el niño, and two other fruit drinks. I could barely speak. I hate myself for doing that. I know better. This is not even close To the person I want to be. Why am I doing this. I am tired of waiting by my phone...that's not living life. I had plans...no way I am going to be all talk. The drinking HAS to stop I don't have an option if I want to get where I want mentally and physically. I am ready to kill it in the gym I just need or want something to look forward to as motivation. So tonight I am going to find that motivation. Out with the old in with the new.

Self Discovery and falling in love everyday (my 100th post)

These past few weeks have been crazy. I CRUSHED my weight goal this past weekend. In case you forgot my goal was 145...I now weigh 143.8. I feel great. In honor of my new accomplishment I went and had some blonde put in my hair. I feel amazing, sexy, happy, and those don't even begin to cover it.

So these past few weeks I have been a totally bad girl doing things I NEVER do. I had a girls night that was fabulous until it reached 2 AM and my husband was frantic. I have been drinking a lot, not sleeping, and forgetting to eat. I have reached a time in my life where it's time to grow up and change the things I have been complaining about for years. I need to quit blaming my husband, dad, mom, or whatever for all the things wrong in my life.

I discovered I really like Texas country. Who would have thought? I have been spoon feed bands like Alice in Chains and Nirvana and honestly while some of their songs are great I don't like them at all. I just liked them because my husband liked them. I have discovered that I am sooo much stronger and more determined then I ever thought I was. I have settled for so long. I always did what everyone else thought I should do, or I pleased...Like my hair for example. I always ask everyones opinions on my hair. But friday I took lead and surprised several people by just doing what I wanted. It totally paid off and I met some awesome people making it happen.

In case some of you dont know me or follow here's some back ground. I met my husband when I was 15. I was so into him. everything he did I wanted to be into. I guess you could say I altered myself to fit him. When we broke up my heart was broke but I had the most wonderful friends that picked me up and helped me party it out in style. I came back to me. I sang really loud in the car (even though I am terrible at it), I met new people, dated new people, and had new experiences...for about a year. Then ray came back into my life. I wanted him. He was mine and I was not letting him go this time. We ended up getting married when I was 18. I choose that life. I didn't want to go to clubs, dancing, or whatever it was single people were doing. I wanted to cuddle on the couch and watch movies while drinking beer. ( I have discovered I really like wine and I love Lime in my Coors light). We had two kids and kind of lost that sense of adventure. I started working out, going back for my education, and decided this year was the year I was going to make my dreams happen. I am going to be the me that I always wanted to be. Lucky for me I have the most supportive family but a fantastic group of friends that encourage me every step of the way. If I did not have their amazing encouragement I would not be discovering the new me that I love so much. Happy can not begin to describe how I have felt these past few weeks.

I kind of started a new motto...if I enjoyed doing it when I was kid I am going to do it at 25. This includes but is not limited to...Playing tag, whispering secrets, hugging, making lame jokes, dancing in the middle of the street, spinning really fast until I fall down, laying in a field looking at the stars cuddled with the one that makes my heart skip a beat. I want to remember what it is like to fall in love everyday.

So here's the deal. The drinking thing is done. Occasionally girls nights and BBQ'S will require drinks (dont be sad BB and MB) so I will have to show some people how drinking is done but I want to start racing again which means a healthy diet and plenty of exercise. I am working on the falling in love everyday thing so I will keep you posted. Last night I got to dance to "my feet don't touch the ground" by stoney Larue (now one of my favorite songs). It was really sweet and made me laugh..awkward at first but who doesn't want to dance in a random place. I dont know what I am going to do to fall in love today but the sky is the limit.

Now that I have listed my goals for everyone to read I want everyone to know my progress since the first.

I have been doing my bible study/verse finding and I am finding myself enlightened. My favorite so far is Psalm 5. Prayer for Guidance. On the first day of the year I went to church with my kids. R had to work and usually I use that as a way out but I made myself go because I wanted K and E to see how important it was. The next Sunday was K's birthday and this sunday I picked up a shift at work to make some extra money for my 2 days off.

We sold R's car today. It had so many repairs and miles that we didnt think we would get much more for it. It got our savings off the ground which is inspiring and makes me excited to go forward.

Today I also had a little break through with my control on our money. I gave ray money and said spend it how you please. I have to have faith that he can make good decisions and make money last. He is for sure one of those people that lets a money burn a whole through his pocket. I used to save 10% of all my tips and put them in plastic baggies when I reached 100.00 and put them in kylies dresser drawer. I was saving for maternity leave for emma so don't worry I dont have anyting like that now! Anyways I thought I had spent all the money until one day I was cleaning out all her newborn and 0-3 month stuff and discovered a couple of ziploc baggies with money in them! Moral of the story....today I let go of my money control issues and R was delighted...kinda freaked out but delighted nontheless.

I started walking with my SIL and that has been going great. I also have been taking kylie on walks on nice days. She loves working out with me. Today while I was doing crunchs she was yelling "Keep going mommy". Who needs more motivation then that? She can also do pushups, lunges, and squats...that is just the few that she does. I have seen her do a plank longer then me! My mileage for the year is off to a great start so I hope I can keep it up when school starts. So far though I am walking slowly to that body I have always wantedI

Speaking of school I went to the Surgical tech seminar and got signed up to take the entrance test. I got my books and study guides to so I am ready to rock and roll this semester. My entrance test is March 30th. I have started the leg work so it is only up from here!

Update on monday!!

2012 Goals

1. Be a better role model to K and E- this means in every aspect of my life including church, eating, exercise, and behavior. I want to lead my girls down the right path so when they face tough decisions they know where to turn and can believe in themselves.

2. Get the body I have always wanted- NO I am not talking about my boob job, or my eye surgery. I am talking good ole' fashion muscle with hard work.

3. Eat Healthier- This kind of falls with the role model goal but also for myself. I need to eat better. Pizza is the easy way out but when I actually put time into it I LOVE cooking for my family and I love the awesome things I can create.

4. Save, Save, and oh yeah...Save- I would like to have 10,000.00 saved by the time fall semester starts so I can focus on my school and not worry about money.

5.Try New things-I want to try a new healthy recipe and workout every week. I want to go outside of my box or comfort zone and get myself out there. I love adventures and it's time I start having some

6.Get my run on!-I want to start doing new races, push myself to break my personal records, and try and get my friends and family involved.

7.Inspire and Encourage- I want to inspire and encourage family, friends, and strangers. I am not trying to save the world or anything but I do have a story and if anything I have to offer can help someone else then I want to put that out there.

8.Learn to let go- I am a tad on the controling side when it comes to....well....everything. I get extremely overwhelmed and stressed to the point I have anxiety attacks if something does not go as I plan it. I seriously act like a litte brat throwing a tantrum sometimes. I need to learn to let go so my mind and soul can be free. Even if that means taking baby steps...at least they are steps.

9. Get into the Surgical Tech program-This is K and E's future. I want to focus on school and do what I need to do to provide for my family and get us set up to live the way we always wanted.

10. Make the bible apart of my life-I believe in god but often when I seek guidance and answers I run to my friends and not the source. I started finding a verse a day that mimicks what I am feeling or advice I am seeking.

11. Be HAPPY and THANKFUL-I focus so much on the negative or on other people I sometimes forget my own needs. I want to smile and laugh everyday. I dont want to forget to thank god for all my blessings every night either. I truely have a great life even though sometimes I would like to think I do not.

I am not pledging to lose 30 pounds or be someone else. I want to be the best version of me. That's why these are goals for me. They are very attainable.

Some things I would like to work on is my potty mouth, road rage, and being clutter free.

If I have said it once I have said it 100 times....

So I did not weigh this morning. I tried to act like I forgot but we all know that I did not. I weighed Friday morning after sushi and mexican and I was at my lowest weight to date. However I had a family christmas this weekend and ate HORRIBLE. Actually horrible is probably an understatement.

I had started this plan called Jamie Eason 12 week trainer. I was super excited about it. Lifting weights 4 days a week was the easy part. The hard part was the clean eating and eating 6 times a day. I spent a whopping 170.00 on supplements, protein powder, and food. The food lasted me a whole 6 days. The sad thing was I LOVED it. I loved how it made me feel, how in control I was, I felt sexy and strong. I even noticed a spike in my sex drive. Minus the fact that work had been crazy bad and I was trying to reach my high money goal. I was stressed about christmas. I did not have the best christmas's as a child all though I like to think my parents really tried. I know I very seldom got things I really wanted and asked for so I decided that my kids would get the things they asked for and oh did they. My daughter K's list is complete minus the Dora kitchen because she all ready has a princess kitchen. E got a minnie mouse shopping cart which she absolutely loves (they opened a gift early at this weekends family christmas). K opened her princess scooter which she practically sleeps with. They also got a trampoline, E got a princess 6v ride on toy, and an aquadoodle. K got an Mermaid Salon with all the little add ons, skates with pads, and we got her a princess barbie house for her birthday. I just did not feel like that was enough for them to open. Seriously I have been thinking about this hardcore. Sitting here googling toysrus and target I realized that I wanted to do something that started new traditions, something that we could do together as a family that would encourage them to learn. So I am getting them mine and ray's favorite child hood books and movies. We have family nights and watch movies together so I bought lion King and am going to buy Kung fu panda 2 tomorrow. I would love to get beauty and the Beast as well. The books I am going to get are "If you give a mouse a cookie" and "The Very Hungry Catepillar" and whatever else pops up that reminds me of my childhood. Hopefully we can all sit down and read together.

Moving on to my diet and exercise. I ate really bad. I did not complete my 4 workouts. I am starting to train for a half marathon. I did eat great today considering what I have been eating. So I am just going to take this journey one day at a time for now...work harder every day to get my body where I want it.

Another tidbit of great news....E teeteed in the potty for the first time!! I was so proud. K is in the church drama and I got to see her play an angel which was double amazing!!

I am cherishing life right now.

Perspective

I watched a true story movie today about a family fighting to save their two year old from leukemia. They were at st. Jude's hospital. These kids had to deal with real life problems. They knew words that the shouldn't like remission, blood level counts, and experimental drugs. The one little girl in the movie touched my soul when she talked about heaven and knowing god. How brave of that child. I cried as I watched a mother lose her baby. The great part about this movie is it restores your faith in human beings. Strangers, neighbors, friends, and family came together to support this family. It also teachs to cherish every moment you have with your children, spouse, and other loved ones. It's easy to get caught up in life but you have to take time to enjoy the little things. I personally have let life start getting in my way of just enjoying myself. The little boys name was Dax and I believe the movie is called the heart of Christmas or something along those lines. Watch it If you get a chance. One thing I did enjoy this weekend is food, family, and getting to see my daughter in the church play. I was so proud of her in every step she took across stage. Emma just brightens my day with a simple smile and ray is the most amazing husband. He goes above and beyond for me. Enjoy you family while you can.

Running into an ex...

I HATE running into an ex. I have been very lucky. I dont live in the town that any of my ex's live in. Most of my break-ups have gone great and we have remained friends that eventually lost touch. Some will know who I am talking about and some wont. The most important ex's in my life I have ran into in the last year. F was one that I dated off and on through high school while I off and on dated B. When I moved to valley view we lost touch for a really long time until he showed up at a VV party that all of my friends were at. He asked about me and they forked over my number. We started hanging out again but he had a crazy ex girlfriend that you could tell he was not exactly over. I didnt have time for that so I left him alone. A few years later we found each other again on myspace. We started chatting. I was married. I had an awesome friend S though that I set him up with and now they are happily married. I was actually in the wedding but afterwards we lost touch again. I am not sure why. When I run into them I feel awkward. I don't know what to say not that there is anything really to say anyways.

Then there is T. I dated him when me and ray were split. I needed some fun in my life. He was older not looking for anything and that was perfect for me. I guess he is not technically and ex but he was my FWB for a while...we partied together, shared secrets, and he listened to me while I cried about my loved lost. He was exactly what I needed when I needed it. I ran into him a while back at a salon. He thought I worked there and asked about a massage. I turned around and realized that it was T...I just stood there and acted like I didn't know him. I did not know what to do. After I was done playing stupid I found out that he now has a beautiful girl and is married now. I am so glad that he is doing well.

Then there was a stupid night at applebees...I always run into my ex's at applebees when I have been drinking all day. Long story short I was drinking at Lucky lou's. Saw girls flirting with my husband and was taking shots left and right. I am a jealous person. Not because I don't trust my husband but because I dont trust girls. Woman in nature will do what ever it takes to get what they want. We lie, cheat, steal, whatever we need to do. It's like being a mother. If someone is mean to my baby...let's just say I would make their life intolerable. Back to the story I was supposed to make short...We decided drinks were cheaper at applebees and moved the party. I am sitting down laughing my ass off when I see B. Again I am extremely drunk and still play like I am stupid and never saw him...or like I forgot him if that would even be possible. He was my entire middle school and partial high school life...whenever someone happened with me and whoever I was with I ran to him...we would work for a little while but in the end it always ended badly for me. He was the guy that cheated on you on your birthday and forgot it was your birthday (that actually happened)...When I left the bar I was like "oh hey there. Nice seeing you." with this awkward hand shake hug kinda thing. He is happily married I think with kids. I have not really spoken to him since I wished him a happy marriage.

It's never hard for me and I have to admit that I do wonder from time to time what has happened to my ex's. When I see old pictures or smell a random smell, sometimes a movie makes me think of them. I wish them all nothing but the best. Hopefully next time I run into one of them I will not act like a DA.