My 30th Birthday is rapidly approaching and I can honestly say that I NEVER expected for my life to take the direction it is currently taken.

I am FINALLY leaving Chili's! It's been 10 years. I have left a few times but I always returned because it was what I knew and was comfortable with. Why do I get to make this leap? My husband and of course my family but also I am leaving to finish out my SENIOR year in college. That's right...I am finally finishing what I started so long ago. I didn't have confidence before. I had this huge fear that I was going to fail and everyone would be pointing and laughing while saying "I knew she would be a failure". Fear of failing is a HUGE thing for me. This weird thing happened though, I woke up one day and said to myself "If I don't do something now, I will never make a difference for my family". Right now my job is to be there for my kids. I show up to every event, provide every party with requested supplies, and do whatever is asked of me by my kiddos. However, I am the mother of two growing girls who need clothes, shoes, an astronomical amount of food, and eventually they will need tampons, bras, cars, and lets not forget that the price tag on college is forever growing. My family has needs. My husband is amazing. He's not a desk type of guy. He loves manual labor, being outside, and not only is he reliable but he's honest. That's rare and in the past his loyalty was taken advantage of, but right now he has a job that he likes and would work at forever if he was allowed. The problem? He has a bum knee and manual labor takes it's toll on anyone. I want to provide him financially with the time he needs off in order to have his knee surgery. I want him to be able to take a vacation paid or unpaid and not bat an eyelash about it.

I am going off topic...

I am finishing my education and praying that an amazing internship finds me. A fear I have is being hired for a job that I don't have any clue how to do, but I have faith that I will manage no matter what I find myself doing next May.

Another thing I am doing is finding my groove in life. I found a church that I really love going to. I listen to every word spoken in the sermon and I always take away a little piece of God's word that gets me through the week. My daughters were baptized which means more to me than I had anticipated. I started reading more, doing a daily devotional, and rededicating myself to my workouts (just this week actually).

I think when it came to my health that I was going about it all wrong. I love fitness but I wasn't in love with fitness. The thought of working out just exhausts me. I also sweat so that means I have to shower and redo my hair and re-primp. It's a lot of work. I lost weight and worked out before to escape. This time I want it to be apart of my everyday life and my journey. I have so many goals and the transformation of me is truly just beginning!!

Before I'm 30

These are just a few :)

When you lose yourself

Topic: Have you ever stopped being yourself to be the version of you someone else wants?

Think about it. When I was growing up I always wondered what I would look like. Would I be successful? Would I have kids? Would I have a fancy house and car?

I do have kids, does that count? Or do I have all of the above but I am to busy comparing myself to others?

When I turned 25 I found myself wondering where all my adventure and imagination went. I wanted to rediscover myself before I turned 30. This of course (initially) caused complications in my marriage and with my friends. I quit drinking and suddenly I was bitter. I didn't even know what type of music I liked. I didn't know how I wanted to dress or how I wanted to do my hair. I still hadn't found my calling in life and I wasn't sure where I would be standing at 30, but I can say I saw myself in a negative light. Now all of this didn't just happen. When you find the love of your life at 15 you tend to mold yourself to what your spouse needs and wants. I hadn't become my own person yet and that's okay buy when you realize that you don't feel like you have an identity you will go through some emotional phases. I was "Ray's wife" or "K and E's mom". I never rocked the bar or club scene because in my mind that's for single people and those looking to cheat. I never went out and had "girls nights". I was responsible. I was an adult or at least the version of what I thought an adult was.

What did I do?

I had girl's nights. I started traveling and challenging my body physically. I discovered that I absolutely don't like bars and my opinion stands firm (unless my hubs comes with me). I am also an old lady and I like to be in bed at a decent hour. I love Disney everything. I have discovered that I have a voice. I said goodbye to the friends that couldn't be around me when I was sober. I have never been happier in my marriage. I know that I love ALL music. My favorite music though always involves the violin.

Style? I have not found that yet. I have dyed my hair every color sold in a box and as of 6-ish months ago I am as close to my natural hair color as I can get. Have I mentioned that I have gray hair? Clothing wise, I am not yet comfortable with my body to wear the clothes I would love to wear. Flats and athletic shoes are my thing, but I would like to rock some heels every now and then.

I have 1 year and 3 months until the dirty 30. I want to do something BIG. I want to blow my own mind. Traveling is on my agenda.

First Goal: DROP 30/40 pounds
Second Goal: Have a "ME" makeover (no plastic surgery)
Third Goal: Travel as much as possible with my family.

I need a "before I am 30" bucket list I think.

That will be my next blog post :)

Do you know who you are? Are you happy with what you have become?

If not......CHANGE IT!!!!

Why do you do it?

I was asked a question today that truly startled me a bit.

"What have you learned and why do you even do it", said a girl in the most condescending tone. 

I could only laugh while looking at the girl and because I am trying to build my faith I will not comment on her appearance and obvious lack for her own health. 

I have learned more than I can ever convey in one solid post, but I will try. 

It started with the loss of my first "real" pregnancy. A child. A heart that was supposed to beat and didn't. No solid answer so it must have been me right? My weight had to be the issue..I was disgusted with my body. Little did I know that stretch marks and morbid obesity was in my near future. My initial goal was to lose weight and conceive a child. BAM....I child conceived...deep fear instilled. I know it's not scientifically possible to jiggle your unborn child out of you, but I just knew that I would if I did ANY sort of movement of the exercise nature. 80 pounds later a beautiful baby was born. 

Fast forward. I was 240 pounds and carrying a car seat. It winded me with every step. I had a mental breakdown outside of an old navy because I had to purchase the biggest pair of pants they sold and they only had them because an online order was returned. The thought of running or walking outside for people to see disgusted me. I could only think of my fat jiggling everywhere for everyone to point at and laugh at. My husband being a super sweet man bought me a treadmill for me to "start" my weight loss journey. Have I mentioned stretch marks? They were everywhere. I am pretty sure I have some between my toes.  Running, at home videos, lack of sleep, and breastfeeding got me down to a less flabby 160. 

I am guessing you know what happens next. If you are thinking that I peed on a stick and there were two pink lines... you would be correct. Number 2 was on its way. This time I was more active and tried to eat better. I only gained 45 pounds. 

fast forward. fast forward. fast forward. 

Two gorgeous girls. 2 half marathons. 1 triathlon. 87 (I am just guessing) 5k's and I was at 160 pounds again and wanting desperately to lose the "last 10 pounds". 

I have been through marriage issues, body issues, faith issues, food issues, and friend issues. 

This is what I have learned. 

You have to have control over yourself. You can't control Becky and Jesse (I may be watching full house) across the street. When starting your journey you have to get your mind right and make a decision. My decision was building the strength of my family and myself. I wanted to build my faith with my lord and savior. I wanted to show my girls what a strong woman looked like. I have battles everyday. Do you know how hard it is not to graze when you work at chili's? 

But the best tip of all........

Surround yourself with people that are going in the direction that you are going. If you want to be more Christ like, surround yourself with people that you admire in that aspect. Don't associate with people that make you feel less than amazing. I have had those friends that didn't influence me in a positive way. I have had friends that treated me like dirt. I have had friends that used me. 

I am so lucky to have the most amazing circle right now. My husband, family, kids, and friends are all extremely supportive of EVERY decision I make. 

The journey that I am on right now is one of self discovery. I am finding out what my purpose is in life and why god put me on this earth. I am also being the best mom, wife, and friend I can be.

Why do I do it? I want to inspire and help anyone and everyone that needs and wants it. I want people to know that there is someone else out there on this messy ride of life. I want people to know that it is okay to shake things up, find new friends, and discover one's self. 

I can't wait to share all of this current path that I am on. 

STAY TUNED!

Week 2 Day 1

1 week weigh in = -2.8 pounds (that is .8 more than my goal of 2 pounds a week)

Now for the honest part. I ate pizza, chocolate, soup, and had a beer or two with my husband. I also worked out once. I try to moderate the unhealthy food though and instead of drinking a beer every night, I saved it for one night. I also cooked healthy food like asparagus soup.

I am planning a surprise my little pony party for E. We had a 4 day weekend due to "snow" days (more like ice days). Then K got sick, we sat at urgent care, and she has severe strep and is not allowed at school until Friday. Lucky her. I also did the heart hustle at my daughters school to try and earn them these little charms they get to put on necklaces for PE. They really love those charms.

We started Spring Madness with my team this week and so far it has been great. I have girls truly getting out of their comfort zone. It's amazing to see people set these goals and then you see them just attacking. You know they have a future and you know they are going somewhere with what they are doing. There may be an excuse along the way but those are far and few. I also adore the ones that set weight goals. Getting texts about 5 pounds lost or even 1 pound makes me teary eyed. Sometimes it's the 1 pound difference that spirals into something amazing like a 5k or a new pair of jeans. I love helping people reach their goals.

My focus this week is to get in 3/4 workouts, take the gallon challenge everyday, and focus on healthier eating. This week will also be a beer free week! I am excited to see what the results will be from that.

This morning I started reading my "For Women Only" book. I just couldn't stop myself from opening the book that will help me understand my husband more. Transparency? From the issues we have had in the past I have taken on this controlling nature that I can't stand. Relinquishing though is harder because I want to know that everything will be taken care of. I guess at some point I stopped feeling that way and I have consumed and stressed myself. I really am trying to work on his needs. I know I am not the wife that I want to be and my goal is to focus on our relationship. R is my best friend and I would never want him to feel otherwise. I want him to be excited to come home. I am not a "leave it to beaver" kind of wife but I would love smiles on everyone's faces when they come home!

Another thing is my bible study. I want to focus more on that daily and what I get from it. Starting my day off with a little guidance always does wonders for me.

Today's verse is Psalm 28:7...The Lord is my strength and my shield..my hear leaps for joy, and with my song I praise him. The daily reflection talks about fitness and moving towards joy. Find something that excites you and makes you happy doing it. If you hate cardio with every fiber of your being...don't do it. You might love swimming. Do swimming. I love running, but I also want to see if there is something out there that overwhelms me with joy. I like riding bikes and oddly I love the stairclimber! I want to try some classes and go from there. Stay tuned for those shenanigans.

Here's some clips from this past week!

Beginning Week 1

This week has been a relief.

It was the first week of my just picking up shifts. That means I am not the first server to work and I am not leaving at 4 or 5 in the afternoon and trying to do all of my errands. It has been beautiful and amazing. I have been able to read, practice yoga, clean, grocery shop in peace, plan a surprise birthday party, go to a ladies event, work on myself, do my bible study, and work on my advocare business.

Let's start with my weight. All in all, I have gained close to 40 pounds. Things happen. I wouldn't call gaining weight back after a huge loss a failure. I would call it a setback. You only fail if you quit and I am no quitter. TRUTH: I LOVE FOOD. I also HATE having a bum hip that takes away the very thing that gave me sanity (running). What does those two things combined mean? It mean's that I am slightly crazy and due to me losing my sanity I emotionally eat. I am not the only one right? The first step to beating your addiction is admitting that you have a problem.

Hi my name is Leanne Hood and I am addicted to food, except anything healthy in nature. It must be fried, sweet, or covered in cheese....okay it can be a processed carb as well.

Now onto the saving myself from complete destruction.

Where to start. Well I knew on my "second time around" journey that I wanted to strengthen my relationship with the man upstairs. I convinced my husband that The Daniel Plan was the best way to do that, so I bought the book, journal, and cookbook. I knew that I there was something inside of me not whole and that is why I struggle the way I do.

I weighed and did my measurements, I set goals for myself (small and large), I set up rewards that were doable for me, and I read my daily reflection.

My Goals.
1. Lose 34 pounds by my 10 year anniversary. (that is 17 weeks with an average of 2 pounds lost a week)

2. Pin gold by my 10 year anniversary (and be knocking on 3-star gold's door). This means that I can be a stay at home mom with absolutely no financial worries. I get to spend the summer with my kids!

3. I want to workout at least 4 times a week and one of those times I want my kids involved. They love yoga so that may be the best way to get a family workout in.

4. Tithe. I had a sermon completely reach my heart 3 weeks ago and we have been tithing ever since. All of our bills have been paid and amazing things keep happening for us. God truly blesses you when you live by his word.

5. Journal and do my bible study every single day.

The Daniel Plan has a score sheet so you can analyze where you are in life and how you feel about those 5 key aspects. My scores were all pretty close except fitness. My biggest passion has now become the thing I am most unhappy about. My focus is now on fitness and my spiritual relationship.

I know in my journey (as before when I quit drinking) that I will lose friends. I am completely and utterly okay with that. That only means that those people will not help me in the direction that I am going, and lets face it...I am going in an amazing direction. (how can I not?)

I already look back and tear up at my day 1 reflection. The question, How do I feel?
I wrote, " I feel out of breath, not pretty and not sexy in anyway shape or form. I feel fat, and depressed because I can't wear any of my beautiful clothes. I feel like I am an awful example to my children.

WOW...
How far I have come in just 5 short days. Now let me flip all of what I had wrote into the positive way I now see things. I gave up focusing on myself to focus on others and my children. They love that I make the lunches, they can count on me to be at school events, that I look for the undies and random toys. E loves that I pick up all of her messes while I am telling her to pick up her mess. K loves that I scratch her back or rub her feet while we sit and all watch Jessie, Girl meets world, or Dual Survival together. My husband thinks I am gorgeous and EVERY stretch mark I own I know was because I was so TERRIFIED of losing K. I know that suffering miscarriages made me hold my tummy while I slept and in my mind made me be completely sedentary while I made the " I am pregnant so I will enjoy all foods" card. I gained 80 pounds of pure warmth and cushion for her to survive. I did, at the time, the only thing I knew to do to keep her safe. I LOVE my stretch marks.  love my eyes because they speak truth. I love my hair because it is thick and strong. I love my legs because all though out of breath I can lift my 70 pound daughter when she is sick or sad and carry her up the stairs to bed. My pretty clothes hanging up are now my inspiration. I have a clean slate to start over.

Things can be ugly, negative and messy if you let it, but you should truly look at all the beautiful things your brain, heart, and body can accomplish or has accomplished.

You can start your journey any day of the week. Mine started on a Wednesday.

Weigh in is in 2 days!!

Parenting

I am sitting here doing research while reading and I have discovered that sometimes what people say they want they don't actually want. They don't have purpose and the purpose they think that have they don't truly have motivation for. I have been there many times. Some people don't want out of their circumstances. They love their lives exactly the way it is and there is nothing about it that they would change. They have reached "life perfection" if you will.

Sadly, I have not reached "perfection" yet. I don't really care what car I drive  (okay maybe I do) or what clothes I wear. I don't care about my shoes (okay I care about my shoes a little bit) or my purse (Is a tote bag considered a purse?). What I do care about is my kids and traveling. I want my kids, husband, and myself to see every part of the world that our hearts desire. I want them to see disney, mountains, oceans, islands, glaciers, and wildlife. I want them to meet people from all walks of life so in their grownup life they are well rounded individuals with open minds. I want them to see all the beauty that god created for them to see. I want to raise them. I don't want daycare's, grandparents, or television raising my children. It's hard researching and seeing how much parents are away from their children. It means they have little impact on how their lives turn out as adults. Literally, parents have everything working against them.

Ideas pressed upon their children by teachers and other children. Drugs, sex, and violence thrust upon every television network. Children developing mommy or daddy issues due to them being absent. It's crazy the little things that have a physiological effect on our children.

Side note: a personal pet peeve of mine is when a parent rants about how they work 80 hours a week, they are asleep before their children wake up, and they don't get home until their kids are asleep....and yet the little time they have on the weekend they spend with their friends out drinking instead of making an impression on the young minds staring at them for acceptance and love. WHY???? Are you friends really that important to you? I get date nights, but every weekend? You are creating a pattern for your children. They need you. Stick around for a little bit and I bet your child can blow your mind with all that they have learned in your absence.

I am completely getting off on a tangent here....

The point is that I have not reached that life perfection that I have been seeking. I haven't become a stay at home mom and I haven't traveled the world with my family, but I can proudly say I am closer than I was a year ago, a month ago, or even a day ago. I am constantly moving forward, researching, and developing ideas.

The question I ask to others are...Are you happy? Are you stuck or pressing forward? Are you getting to be the person or the parent you always thought you would be? Are you achieving/reaching your purpose?